Month: December 2020

Eight Competing Values

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Eight Competing Values

This is the second installment of the Reversal Theory series. If you haven’t read the first one, check it out here. Enjoy!

OK, so we left off with the 4 pairs of states – serious/playful (also called telic/paratelic), conforming/rebellious, mastery/sympathy, and self/other (also called autic/alloic). 

Each state has a core motivational value, a range of emotions, and certain actions typically associated with it. The core value in the serious (or telic) state is achievement. When one is in the telic state and this value is being satisfied by reaching or making progress towards one’s goals, positive emotions emerge such as relief that a goal has been met or a sense of accomplishment. When this value is frustrated by a lack of progress, more negative feelings like anxiety or a sense of being overwhelmed are often present. Actions that are common to the telic state are planning, assessing risks, thinking strategically, and working diligently. Some common examples of being in the telic state might be working feverishly on a project to make a deadline, studying for an upcoming exam, or decorating the house to make it presentable for the imminent arrival of one’s in-laws.

The core value in the paratelic state is enjoyment. When one is in the paratelic state and taking pleasure in his/her current activity, excitement, fascination, and interest are common feelings. When pleasure in the current activity is thwarted, however, feelings of boredom or restlessness often emerge. Common contributions made in the paratelic state are enthusiasm, openness to new experiences, spontaneity, and creativity. Examples of being in the paratelic state include walking leisurely enjoying a sunset, working on an interesting puzzle in one’s free time, or luxuriating in the evening meal. It is important to note that it is not the activity that determines one’s state, however. One can be walking “leisurely” at sunset in order to attain the goal of pleasing their partner, or be frustrated at the leisurely pace because he/she is focused on getting home to work on a project. Likewise, in the previous example, decorating the house may be so enjoyable that the arrival of one’s in-laws may slip into the back of one’s mind.

The core motivational value of the conformist state is fitting in. This can also be expressed as the desire to do the right thing at the right time, or to do what is typically done. In the conformist state, it is a pleasant experience when one conforms and an unpleasant experience when one is not conforming. Pleasant emotions that may be experienced in the conformist state are a sense of belonging and comfort that one is doing right; unpleasant emotions may include embarrassment from not conforming or guilt from not meeting expectations. Further, actions consistent with the conforming state might be following procedures, adhering to ethics, and acting predictably. Examples of being in the conformist state may be taking pleasure in a game precisely because the rules are being followed, feeling satisfied that you “belong” in a group of coworkers, or enjoying the ceremony that marks a traditional wedding, graduation, or spiritual ritual.

In contrast, the core value of the negativistic or rebellious state is freedom. In the rebellious state, pleasure is derived by acting in way that one perceives is in opposition to external pressures or rules. Pleasant emotions experienced in the rebellious state can include independence and personal freedom, whereas unpleasant emotions may include frustration or anger at our restrictions or perceived unfairness. Actions consistent with the negativistic state may be challenging authority, behaving critically, or showing a desire for change. The rebellious state may be manifested as defiance or (despite its name) mischievousness or simply unconventionality. Enthusiastically protesting against current legislation, purposefully acting out in a residential group home, or even “thinking outside the box” at a business meeting could be examples of being in the negativistic state. Note that the same behavior may be performed in different states, based on different motivations; smoking with school friends could be enjoyed because it is not allowed, or it could be enjoyed because it allows one to fit in with the crowd.

The primary values in the mastery state are control and power. In a social interaction, this might mean desiring to have the upper hand; in a competition, this might mean being focused on winning. One could be in the mastery state with a pet, when training it; one could be in the mastery state with a piece of machinery or sports equipment, when learning to operate it. Positive emotions felt in the mastery state include pride and accomplishment and negative emotions typically center on humiliation or disappointment. In the mastery state, positive qualities that may be displayed are confidence, determination, and leadership.

The primary values in the sympathy state are caring and affection. Most often, the sympathy state has to do with people or living things. One could be in the sympathy state with a colleague when listening to their troubles or with a partner while sharing a casual Saturday afternoon picnic. One could certainly be sympathetic with a pet, lavishing it with attention. In the sympathy state, positive feelings typically include loving and feeling loved; bad feelings are those that go along with feeling unloved, such as rejection. In the sympathy state, positive attributes that one may display center around cooperation, emotional support, sensitivity, and relationship.

In the autic state, one’s primary concern is for oneself, including taking responsibility for one’s actions as well as taking care to get one’s needs and desires met. Working out at the gym to see to one’s health (self-mastery) or asking a loved one to run an errand on one’s behalf (self-sympathy) are examples of being in the autic state.  The core motivational value in the autic state is individualism, or doing the best one can for oneself. Satisfaction at doing something well or appreciation of self may be good feelings experienced in the autic state; negative feelings such as resentment or loneliness may result if one remains in the autic state too long and thus becomes isolated from others. Common actions in the autic state include attention seeking, performing to the best of one’s ability, setting and meeting personal goals, and keeping a balance between work and personal life.

In the alloic state, one’s concern is for meeting the needs or desires of others. When one tidies up the house because their partner prefers it that way, this is an example of the alloic state (other-sympathy). So is helping or coaching someone else for their growth or improvement (other-mastery). The “other” in the alloic state may be an actual other, such as a friend or child. However, the “other” may also be a group or team to which one belongs, in which case it is referred to as the extended self. The other may also be someone or a group that one identifies with, such as a hero in a movie or a favorite sports team; in this case, the other is known as the surrogate self. The basic motive in the alloic state is collectivism, caring for others or for a group more than the self as an individual. Good feelings that come from helping others or seeing others succeed are a part of the alloic state, as are the bad feelings that come from letting others down or seeing others hurting. Frequently, being a good teammate, helping, encouraging, mentoring, and giving are behaviors the alloic state might produce.

 

 

OK, good! In the next “episode,” we’ll discuss how we shift between these different states! 

 

First, do no harm.

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First, do no harm. 

Despite the DoDo bird’s insistence, not all therapies are created equal. 

This won’t be a post explaining evidence based practice, or common factors, or how diagnostics should impact our therapy plans, or how psychodynamic therapy gets an undeserved reputation just because CBT is easier to manualize. (All possibilities for another day!) For today, I think it’s worthwhile to talk about how sometimes we had really interesting ideas and they turned out to be wrong. Some therapies have evidence demonstrating not just that they don’t work as well as other therapies, but that they don’t work at all or they actively damage clients! YIKES! 

Examples that might surprise you?

  • Critical Incident Stress Debriefing for PTSD
  • Grief counseling for normal bereavement
  • Relaxation treatments for panic disorder

Check this article by Scott Lilienfeld out here. 

 

Comment below if there’s one of those other topics you’d like me to write about, or if you have ever gotten training in any of these harmful therapies, or (heaven forbid!) you know someone who uses them. 

 

 

 

Sphere of Whelm

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The Sphere of Whelm

WHELM.  

Why don’t use this word? We say “overwhelm” and “underwhelm.” Why do we never say whelm?? Probably because it’s sort of useless, as the word “whelm” technically is a synonym for overwhelm, meaning “to be submerged by.” 

::rolling my eyes:: 

I RECLAIM this now useless word for special therapeutic purposes, and like many psychological terms, will give it my own definition. I like clients to conceptualize “whelm” as just the amount that I can handle right now or saturated but not spilling over. I think of it in a similar way to being in one’s “Flow zone,” but rather than engagement or skills development, I mean it to pertain to emotion regulation. 

We all definitely know that too much stress, too big of emotions, or too much going on can lead clients to feel overwhelmed; we see them all the time. Less often (though sometimes), we see underwhelmed clients – the disillusioned nihilist, or anyone with existential ennui. And sometimes we see clients who are so numbed or checked out that they seem underwhelmed, when really they’re just shut down because of overwhelm. 

Let me suggest that we can change our level of over/underwhelm by modifying the space and time we are attending to. When clients are overwhelmed, they’ve often cast their attention out too far – too far into the future or encompassing too much “distance” (which usually means too many people). No one can handle the anxiety of a nation during a pandemic. No one can handle the regret of their whole mountain of history all at once. No one can handle the existential threat to their children for a lifetime. 

When life is too much, when we are in grief, rage, or terror – we sometimes do this naturally – bring in our spheres to just our families or ourselves, to just “getting through today” or “just what I need to do next.” We invite clients to mindfully shrink their fears when we teach them mindfulness – just what you are aware of in exactly this moment, just in your body. And sometimes clients need more – think Adler and social connectedness – sometimes depression or anxiety are presenting because we are underwhelmed. over-focused on our own troubles or discomfort, and need to widen our spheres to include other people, or a longer time perspective. 

One of my favorite ways to do this with clients is as part of a guided imagery. Creating a sort of bubble that they practice shrinking and expanding until the bubble is just encompassing their heart or encompassing the whole city, and doing that safely with me.

How do you like to? I know you you already help clients do this – you just didn’t use this fancy name. What kinds of techniques do you use to help them manage their spheres? Comment below.

Parenting is Like Holding Water

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Parenting is like holding water…

This past year I’ve seen a number of families with grown children, or parents with teens or young adults. And one thing that most of them seem to have in common is the challenge of changing the relationship (and themselves!) as their kids develop. 

Of course, as infants, kids are completely dependent, and parents construct all of their experiences. As they get older, they begin to watch TV or read books that we haven’t read, to have conversations with friends and teachers that we aren’t a part of… they begin to differentiate from parents. Parents no longer know all the information, stories, experiences, memories, ideas, feelings, etc. in their kids’ heads. But often they continue to act as if they are constructing their kids’ realities, and don’t think to begin to add mutual self-disclosure to the relationship. Kids are becoming new people, and parents now need to learn who they are. As preteens and teens, of course the divide widens. Peer influences get stronger and this is sometimes when parents suddenly notice that they “don’t recognize this kid!” That’s not the kid’s fault… they’re just developing. It’s the parents (in most cases) who have not updated their maps of their kids as they have grown and changed. 

Many of the parents of teens and young adults I’ve been seeing are trying desperately to hold onto their kids, to continue to construct their realities. They’re trying to hold water. 

Imagine holding your hand under a a tiny stream of water drops. (Better yet, go do this!) When there are just a few drops, you can hold them all in your palm. When the pool of water gets bigger, if you focus on balance and negotiating the tiny changes, you can hold quite a bit for quite a while. At some point, though, the water becomes more than we can hold. At this moment, if we panic, and try to squeeze the water tightly to keep it from running over, it all squeezes out and we lose it all. This is what a lot of these parents are trying to do – hold their kids tightly because they’re afraid of losing them. 

Note that I didn’t title this “Parenting is like TRYING to hold water” …if parents can “hold them lightly,” they can’t hold onto all of their kids, but they can hold some of them, and certainly more than they can if they squeeze. 

By holding kids lightly, I don’t mean necessarily being overly permissive or just being friends. Parents still need structure – a loose, dangling hand can’t hold any water either! I mean everyday inviting your kid into a real, mutual relationship with you – that means a relationship that changes as they change! (and as you change!) And it means accepting their invitations into a real relationship, even when it’s not completely on yours terms (e.g., play time when you’d rather read, listening to music that sounds like noise, caring about “teen drama,” supporting their interests and choices even when they’re not what you would choose).

 

Comment below: What thoughts do you have about this holding water metaphor? Did you try it experientially? What metaphors do you sometimes use with parents?