Month: October 2021

Online Resources Vol. 4

EllisLeave a comment

Online Resources Volume 4

If you haven’t seen them, here are Volumes 1, 2, and 3!

  • The Reveri app  – It’s free (of course!) and the BEST actual hypnosis app I’ve ever come across. (And I’m ASCH certified in clinical hypnosis). I’ve previously recommended Comfort Talk, and stand by it, but Reveri is also excellent and covers a lot of great, specific topics – e.g., sleep, anxiety, chronic pain, smoking cessation – the kind of stuff it’s probably ok to work on by yourself without a therapist. 
  • Greater Good Magazine – Honestly, this isn’t a great resource for therapists, as far as I can tell. But I think it’s one of the better lay-accessible internet resources.  It’s mostly research-based and comes out of Berkeley, and has lots of different kinds of content, all focused on well being. Worth a look. 
  • Andrew Huberman Podcast – For nerdy therapists (and maybe clients), Huberman is a neurobiologist and does a lot on mental health related topics – sleep, depression, addiction, stress, etc. – as well as some stuff that’s more like “optimizing wellness.” Easy to listen to, extremely knowledgeable, great sources, smart occasional guests. Honestly, his mental health series was not my favorite, but when it’s outside my direct area, I learn a lot. 
  • Kardia Deep Breathing App – FINALLY!!!! I finally found an app that lets you control the timing of the breathing! Remember the cardinal rule – breathe out longer than you breathe in. The end. But finally, there’s an app that will let clients personalize that, rather than putting them on a strict 5-minute, 5 seconds in, 5 seconds out, rigid program! THANK YOU! It’s $0.99 for the full functionality, but the free version works perfectly well for my personal use and for how I use it with clients.  
  • Spanish & Mandarin relaxation tracks – offered by the University of Texas Counseling Center, There’s a 3-minute breathing and a body scan available in both Spanish & Mandarin – I have a hard time finding resources for clients who, even though they may do their therapy with me in English for various reasons, might prefer or better utilize resources in their native language. These are free and you don’t need to be a student to access them. 
  • Various Downloadable Workbooks – The Govt of Western Australia has a resource that includes free, downloadable self-help workbooks on lots of issues – body image, depression, procrastination, distress tolerance, panic, health anxiety, etc. I haven’t gone through the whole workbook on all the topics, but the ones I have looked at are pretty legit. Maybe a good option for clients who want to work outside of session, or for your own use as smaller handouts or in-session activities if you break them up.

Comment below: As always, if you know of great, free, online resources, let us know, too! These things are out in the world to be shared and used!  

 

 

 

 

More than Five Love Languages

EllisLeave a comment

There are More than Five Love Languages

I don’t love the “five love languages.” I don’t love the book because it stresses me out when books about mental and relational health aren’t grounded in research. I don’t love the concept, because I find it very limiting and prescriptive. There are clearly more than five love languages! (Although when couples have already read it/heard about it, I won’t put it down, I’ll just try to “stretch it out.”)

I do like that the idea that couples are made of two people who are different from each other, and I do like the idea of shared vocabulary for shared understanding. One of the most important things for couples to learn in this kind of empathy work is understanding that the other person might experience something differently than you do – maybe even oppositely! 

That being said, here’s a slightly more comprehensive list of ways that one person might feel loved/validated, that the other person might not understand well – or might understand in a completely opposite way! (Note especially the blank bullet points at the bottom. I like the visual assumption that clients will add their own!) 

 

  • Being helped (my partner assumes I’m worth helping/ they assume I’m not capable)
  • Being asked for help (my partner needs me because I’m worthwhile / they don’t want to do their fair share)
  • Being complimented (my partner thinks nice things about me / they’re flattering and they want something)
  • Being given gifts/money (I’m valued / they think they can just buy my love)
  • Being sexually pursued (I’m desirable / they’re just using me for their own gratification)
  • Hugs/cuddling (they love to be near me / they’re clingy and smothering)
  • Doing things together (they like spending time with me / they can’t stand being alone)
  • Introducing to friends (they think others will like me / I’m too much for them to handle alone)
  • Giving advice (they care and want to help me / they think I’m stupid)
  • Monitoring behavior (they care and want me to be safe / they’re invading my privacy and autonomy)
  • Inviting to share interests (they think I’ll also enjoy that / they don’t care what I like)
  • Letting me make decisions (they trust me / they don’t want any responsibility )
  • Making me part of their FOO (wants to include me deeply in their lives / wants to take away my individuality)
  • Encouraging me to grow in xyz way (wants me to be my best self / thinks I’m garbage and wants to change me)
  • Emoting strongly (I’m a safe place for them / they can’t handle their anger, etc)
  •  
  •  
  •  

This kind of thing can help couples do that work of perspective taking and empathy, like when they realize they didn’t marry someone Crazy, Stupid, or Awful.

Comment below: Any others you can think of or that have come up in session? How have you used the “love languages” concept to good effect in couples’ work?