Rules for Couples Counseling
I have three rules for couples’ counseling. Sometimes, I say them overtly, in the first session, sometimes they come up as we go along. I don’t really think of them as “my” rules, exactly, as much as I think these are pretty well required for couples’ counseling to go well.
(1) A true, actual, capital-R “Reality” may exist, but neither of you (nor I) actually know it and it is not knowable.
So, we will not be spending much time arguing about how things actually happened or who is Right. We will spend a lot of time talking about how you each experience(d) things and how to effective co-construct your world. (Sometimes this has to be followed up with psychoeducation about perception and memory.)
(2) Relationships aren’t fair and that’s not the goal.
We will not be measuring out love. We will not be counting resentments. You are different people and we will not compare you (your needs, desires, pains, etc.) to each other. We will absolutely NOT be doing a tit-for-tat scenario. If you want the relationship to improve, you will have to commit to your part of the work regardless of whether the other person does their part.
(3) Your relationship is Your relationship.
We will not be comparing it to your parents’ relationship, or the relationships you’ve learned about from romantic comedies, the relationship your growing-up church told you that you must have, or the relationship of your best friend on Facebook. We will focus on building the relationship that works for Y’all.
You’d think they run away, but they usually don’t. 🙂
Comment! What kinds of rules or guidelines do you find useful working with couples?