The Therapeutic Apology
If you haven’t said “I’m sorry” to a client this month and meant it, you might want to check in. In real relationships, we blow it sometimes. So, if you’re having authentic, therapeutic relationships with client, apologizing will be a part of the deal. Not only is it an important part of a real relationship, it models something very important for your client. Here are some tips:
- Recognize when to apologize
- When you have violated part of the explicit or implicit contract
- Running late, mistaken charges, delays in providing requested documentation, unclear communication, etc.
- When you haven’t honored them well
- Made an assumption, not listened well, gotten distracted, interrupted, followed your own agenda, etc.
- When you made a mistake you shouldn’t have made
- Forgotten to check their homework and they missed session time to process something that was important to them, started into a metaphor you often use but then realize it’s not well tailored to this particular client, overstepped a boundary, pushed too hard that day
- Note: When you make a mistake that was reasonable at the time, and not due to a lack of knowledge/ethics/conscientiousness on your part, just explain it without apologizing. This is excellent modeling!
- When you have violated part of the explicit or implicit contract
- Only apologize for things you have control over (i.e., your own behavior)
- Avoid the “habitual apology” (women are especially prone to this). That’s when you say “I’m sorry” when no offense actually occurred.
- “I’m sorry (for taking up space in the hallway because I have a body and walk at the same time as you which is obviously not my fault)”
- “I’m sorry (because you were speaking very softly and the air conditioner is loud so I couldn’t hear you which is obviously not my fault”
- Resist the urge to apologize just because they don’t like something (e.g., for your email/contact policy, for ending session on time, experiencing difficult feelings, referring them appropriately)
- Apologize for what you DID, not for what happened.
- NO: “I’m sorry we had a misunderstanding just then.”
- YES: “I’m sorry I wasn’t listening well just then and assumed incorrectly.”
- Two exceptions to this rule:
- Go ahead and say “I’m so sorry to hear that….” when something unfortunate has happened to a client. Even though sorry isn’t exactly the right word, that’s so culturally established that if you don’t say it, the moment will be really weird, and that moment is also usually moment when you need to NOT be weird, and really be attentive and present, and not explaining weird cultural, linguistic idiosyncrasies.
- Go ahead and apologize if your administrative staff, office management/maintenance people, etc. have done something unpleasant or insensitive. The client often sort of sees them as an extension of you.
- Avoid the “habitual apology” (women are especially prone to this). That’s when you say “I’m sorry” when no offense actually occurred.
- Apologize WELL.
- No beating around the bush, be specific and own it.
- “I’m sorry for getting distracted just then.” “I’m sorry for not listening well.” “I’m sorry for running late today.”
- No passive aggression. Avoid giving your “reasons,” unless you’re sure they’re really reasons (not excuses) and they’re actually important to the process. In that case, be specific.
- NO: “I’m sorry for getting distracted just then. I have a lot going on personally right now.”
- YES: “I’m sorry for getting distracted just then. What happened was that what you said really struck a chord with me around grief, and I’m wondering now if or how grief is playing a role for you?”
- No beating around the bush, be specific and own it.
- Follow up.
- They’re likely to say something like “oh, no worries” or “it doesn’t matter.” So, follow up on that with something like “thanks for you patience” or “you do matter to me, so I just wanted to let you know.”
- Add what you’re planning to DO about it.
- “You have my full attention now.” “Can we go back and you can describe it to me again so that I can understand better?” “I’m going to make sure I adjust your fee for the missed time today.”
- Oh, and then DO that.
Comment with your own “rules” for apologizing, or a time when you have used the therapeutic apology and it’s been important.