Tag: cognition

Overreacting

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Overreacting

So, what if I started with something a little provocative? (What’s new, Ellis?) But really, I have a thought that…

…there is no such thing as overreaction.

What’s your reaction to THAT? 🙂

What I mean when I say this, or how I follow it up with clients, is that if you think you (or your partner) are “overreacting,” let me suggest that you are simply not aware of what you are REACTING TO. 

Really, this is just simply CBT. There’s something that happens, or a stimulus of some kind. There is a perception of that stimulus and likely a thought about that stimulus, and there’s an emotional reaction to that thought/perception (not to the stimulus, precisely). And maybe that emotional reaction is “out of proportion” to the stimulus (or at least as far you’re concerned, your partner is overreacting to the stimulus – it’s just spilled milk, it’s just being a little late, he’s just a friend). And maybe that emotional reaction is even “out of proportion” to the thought that you are aware of thinking about it. 

But the emotional tone and intensity can be the information that prompts us to look deeper…

  • perception of stimulus (milk, the clock, the text message with heart eyes)
  • thought (spilled milk is inconvenient, my boss might see me come in late and fire me, that’s a weird emoji for a friend to use)
  • schema (being inconvenience is intolerable and shouldn’t happen to me, I have to overperform people will find out I’m an imposter, I am always at risk for losing my partner)
  • core belief (I won’t ever by happy or comfortable, I am not good enough, I will end up alone)

If you’re really reacting to the fear of dying alone, that’s a BIG DAMN STIMULUS and the emotional reaction is perfectly reasonable. I’ve had clients really do well with this idea, and feel both quite validated in their own experience as well opening a door to be more curious (and less quickly and globally judgmental) about their partner’s experience. 

Comment below: What are some of the ways you talk to clients about emotions, emotion regulation, and so forth? 

 

 

 

 

CLEAR thinking

EllisLeave a comment

C.L.E.A.R. Thinking

 

Oh dear. If you know me, you know one of my pet peeves is “made to fit” acronyms. Ugh. I am familiar with the research about how that makes things easier to remember, yes. And I’m the first one to criticize, let’s say, Yalom for making the (would-be) “acronym” for the curative factors of group therapy AIIIIUECCCS. Not helpful. But, maybe it was just too many years of church sermons forced onto artificial acronym scaffolds that gave me a bad taste about it. I especially don’t like when the concept has to be twisted or something has to be grafted on to make the acronym work. 

That being said, this one sort of made itself in a therapy session one day, so I’ll share it. Blerg. 

CALM – brains that are all geared up don’t think very clearly. Or rather, they might think clearly, but they think in very limited ways – limited to RUN, FIGHT, APPEASE, etc. Useful for predators, not so much for the rest of life. This goes along with other bodily things that can get in the way of clear thinking, like hunger, exhaustion, and pain. 

LOOSE – really good thinking is flexible. It’s structured enough that it’s coherent, but it’s not so structured that it loses its openness. Like any high-functioning system, clear thinking is semi-permeable. 

EFFECTIVE – clear thinking prioritizes effectiveness. That means both recognizing potentially multiple goals and prioritizing them. Effectiveness over winning, unless winning is the only goal. Effectiveness over comfort, unless present comfort is the only goal. Etc. 

ACCURATE – it’s got to happen in a reality-based way. Distortion is unavoidable, but the more we can be aware of our biases, the typical tricks of cognitive distortions, our own fantasies, etc., the clearer our thinking will be. 

RELATIONAL – there’s no escaping that we exist in relationships, all the time, even when we’re alone. Keeping thinking relational means we’re better at taking others’ perspectives, more likely to consider real systems that are at play, and keeps our feet out of our mouths (pretty often).

 

Comment below: Ok, lay it on me. Should I give up the acronym? Is it forced? Could it be useful? Can you improve on it?! 

 

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