CLEAR thinking


C.L.E.A.R. Thinking


 

Oh dear. If you know me, you know one of my pet peeves is “made to fit” acronyms. Ugh. I am familiar with the research about how that makes things easier to remember, yes. And I’m the first one to criticize, let’s say, Yalom for making the (would-be) “acronym” for the curative factors of group therapy AIIIIUECCCS. Not helpful. But, maybe it was just too many years of church sermons forced onto artificial acronym scaffolds that gave me a bad taste about it. I especially don’t like when the concept has to be twisted or something has to be grafted on to make the acronym work. 

That being said, this one sort of made itself in a therapy session one day, so I’ll share it. Blerg. 

CALM – brains that are all geared up don’t think very clearly. Or rather, they might think clearly, but they think in very limited ways – limited to RUN, FIGHT, APPEASE, etc. Useful for predators, not so much for the rest of life. This goes along with other bodily things that can get in the way of clear thinking, like hunger, exhaustion, and pain. 

LOOSE – really good thinking is flexible. It’s structured enough that it’s coherent, but it’s not so structured that it loses its openness. Like any high-functioning system, clear thinking is semi-permeable. 

EFFECTIVE – clear thinking prioritizes effectiveness. That means both recognizing potentially multiple goals and prioritizing them. Effectiveness over winning, unless winning is the only goal. Effectiveness over comfort, unless present comfort is the only goal. Etc. 

ACCURATE – it’s got to happen in a reality-based way. Distortion is unavoidable, but the more we can be aware of our biases, the typical tricks of cognitive distortions, our own fantasies, etc., the clearer our thinking will be. 

RELATIONAL – there’s no escaping that we exist in relationships, all the time, even when we’re alone. Keeping thinking relational means we’re better at taking others’ perspectives, more likely to consider real systems that are at play, and keeps our feet out of our mouths (pretty often).

 

Comment below: Ok, lay it on me. Should I give up the acronym? Is it forced? Could it be useful? Can you improve on it?! 

 

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Words of Regret


Words of Regret


Sometimes, a small change in words can make a world of difference! 

 

I know we talk about the word “Should” in therapy a lot, especially in the Albert Ellis kind of way – “shoulding all over yourself.” But there’s this one specific instance where clients seem to use “should” in a profoundly destructive and usually inaccurate way. When they regret something they have done, or haven’t done, or the way some situation went, they say: 

  • “I should have said things differently.
  • “I should have acted more quickly. 
  • “I should have been a better partner/parent/friend.

It turns out that most of the time, clients actually did the best they could with the information and resources that they had at the time. So, it’s a bit of a logical fallacy to say they should have acted differently (and certainly some other cognitive distortions in the way they imagine the difference it might have made). I have also found, though, that when they are expressing this deep, sometimes grief-filled, regret… they’re no really in the mood to talk about how unrealistic they’re being. So, sometimes I ask them to just make a tiny language change, or sometimes I just make it when I reflect it back:

  • “You wish you had said things differently.
  • “You wish you had acted more quickly. 
  • “You wish you had been a better partner/parent/friend. 

There are other words that could fit, too, but I like wish because it can be modified in terms of intensity pretty easily. “It’s the most desperate wish of your heart…” “You deeply wish that…” 

We’ll get around to talking about the specifics and the reality and all that, of course. (Side note: these shoulds/wishes are almost always much too vague, precisely because the exact right action that would have brought about the desired outcome is not knowable now, just as it was not knowable then!) In that moment, though, removing or lessening the burden of unnecessary guilt can be as simple as using language with intention. 

Comment below: When have you found that small language changes have made big impacts for clients?