Overreacting
So, what if I started with something a little provocative? (What’s new, Ellis?) But really, I have a thought that…
…there is no such thing as overreaction.
What’s your reaction to THAT? 🙂
What I mean when I say this, or how I follow it up with clients, is that if you think you (or your partner) are “overreacting,” let me suggest that you are simply not aware of what you are REACTING TO.
Really, this is just simply CBT. There’s something that happens, or a stimulus of some kind. There is a perception of that stimulus and likely a thought about that stimulus, and there’s an emotional reaction to that thought/perception (not to the stimulus, precisely). And maybe that emotional reaction is “out of proportion” to the stimulus (or at least as far you’re concerned, your partner is overreacting to the stimulus – it’s just spilled milk, it’s just being a little late, he’s just a friend). And maybe that emotional reaction is even “out of proportion” to the thought that you are aware of thinking about it.
But the emotional tone and intensity can be the information that prompts us to look deeper…
- perception of stimulus (milk, the clock, the text message with heart eyes)
- thought (spilled milk is inconvenient, my boss might see me come in late and fire me, that’s a weird emoji for a friend to use)
- schema (being inconvenience is intolerable and shouldn’t happen to me, I have to overperform people will find out I’m an imposter, I am always at risk for losing my partner)
- core belief (I won’t ever by happy or comfortable, I am not good enough, I will end up alone)
If you’re really reacting to the fear of dying alone, that’s a BIG DAMN STIMULUS and the emotional reaction is perfectly reasonable. I’ve had clients really do well with this idea, and feel both quite validated in their own experience as well opening a door to be more curious (and less quickly and globally judgmental) about their partner’s experience.
Comment below: What are some of the ways you talk to clients about emotions, emotion regulation, and so forth?