Tag: couples

Deranged, Inhuman, Disgusting

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Deranged, Disgusting, or Inhuman

In other words, deserving of your contempt.

(If you haven’t read Crazy, Stupid, or Awful, you might want to read that one first. Crazy, Stupid, Awful means you probably are thinking of your partner as a “Them” instead of thinking about the two of you as a “We” or an “Us,” but some careful, attentive, open listening might suffice. Like in They Might Be An Alien)

But contempt is something a little different.

 

The Gottmans (e.g., Gottman, 1993) really brought the idea of contempt onto the couples’ therapy scene, a kind of relational filter that says “I’m better than you, and you don’t deserve my basic respect.” Sometimes, it looks like sarcasm or condescension (speaking as if your partner really is stupid, or worse). Sometimes, it’s withdrawal (because you believe that your partner really is disgusting and you can’t stand to be around them). Sometimes, it sounds like demeaning put-downs (because you think your partner is just a real piece of shit). It’s dehumanizing (e.g., Kteily et al., 2022). And that’s a much bigger problem than thinking they’re a decent human being who you just really don’t understand or agree with. 

 

The impacts of contempt are probably quite a bit broader than just in couples’ relationships, too. As therapists, we need to be on the lookout for contempt of partners, but also of kids and bosses, among others. And there are some pragmatic things we need to think about – when parents are using sarcasm, condescension, demeaning put downs, and/or withdrawal/neglect with their children… we need to intervene strongly and quickly to help them make changes. Eye-rolling, name-calling, and that pinched-face look of disgust need to be taken with plenty of seriousness. When it’s someone talking about a coworker, boss, friend, etc., the easiest solution might be to simply get out of that situation or relationship… contempt (like real burnout) is pretty damn hard to come back from.

 

But then, we also need to look at the underlying cognitive structures that support contempt… Contempt “implies sense of superiority over [other people], pessimistic feelings about their possibility of betterment, detachment from them, and avoidance driven by detachment (Miceli & Castelfranchi, 2018). So, I’m going to go ahead and say (maybe outrageously?!) that contempt is never rational. So, to be clear, I’m not saying that anyone should stay in contact with someone they feel contempt toward. Maybe the contempt goes along with other thoughts/feelings that are quite reasonable and dictate that the appropriate behavior is detachment (e.g., an actually abusive partner, an actually unfair and unpleasant working environment). But that sense of down-to-the-ground superiority of one (aggrieved) person over another? Mmmm… that’s a tough sell for me. Dehumanizing a human being doesn’t fit the logic I understand. 

And there are personality structures, too. It’s possible to have a contemptuous “personality” (or long term attributional style, maybe?). Sometimes, that goes along with narcissistic and antisocial stuff (esp when the dispositional contempt is typically outwards), but sometimes the contempt is directed inwardly at the self, as well! (see Schriber et al., 2017). 

 

I’m sure how you choose to work on this depends on your theoretical orientation… I just wanted to take a minute to bring it to the forefront and make sure we’re not letting some important signs pass us by! 

 

Comment below: What other markers of disgust do you see in clients? Do you ever find it easy to blow those off? How do you work with clients on these deep cognitive structures? 

 

Gottman, J. M. (1993). A theory of marital dissolution and stability. Journal of family psychology, 7(1), 57.

Kteily, N. S., & Landry, A. P. (2022). Dehumanization: Trends, insights, and challenges. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 26(3), 222–240. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2021.12.003

Miceli, M., & Castelfranchi, C. (2018). Contempt and disgust: The emotions of disrespect. Journal for the Theory of Social Behavior, 48(2), 205-229. https://doi.org/10.1111/jtsb.12159 

Schriber, R. A., Chung, J. M., Sorensen, K. S., & Robins, R. W. (2017). Dispositional contempt: A first look at the contemptuous person. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(2), 280-309. doi: 10.1037/pspp0000101. 

 

 

 

What’s Not Gaslighting?

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What’s NOT gaslighting? 

I’m a little bit alarmed with how this word is so quickly changing in meaning. And especially because we only have one word for gaslighting – to cause a person to doubt his/her sanity through the use of psychological manipulation. (You’ve heard of the play for which the term is named?) So, it’s using your power to actually change the other person’s ability to experience the world with reality, and then to lie to them about reality so that they question their own ability to function in the world.  

Here are some examples of gaslighting proper: 

For example, if your partner secretly took money out of your account, and then you overdrew it not knowing the money was gone, and they punished you for not managing your money well, and you pleaded with them saying that you were sure the money was there, and then they lied and blamed you, saying if you didn’t do it then your wicked mother/corrupt employer/secret lover/etc. must have taken the money, that would be gaslighting.  

If you drugged your partner’s dinner, and then you went to a kickboxing lesson, and got a bunch of bruises, then told your partner the next day “Look what you’ve done!” and your partner denied it, and you told your partner that they did it in a manic, alcoholic rage and just didn’t remember, and pointed to the empty bottles you hid in the trash, that would be gaslighting. 

(Granted, they’re a little extreme, but that can be helpful for clarity’s sake in the definitional stage.)  

But we have lots of words for the other things that gaslighting is beginning to be used for, like lying, manipulation, misuse of power, dysfunctional communication, etc. So, in the interest of reserving the utility of the vocabulary for as long as possible, let’s talk about what gaslighting is NOT.  

 

  • When the other person actually perceived, experienced, or remembered something differently than you did 
    • Given the outrageous amount of research literature on these topics, along with everyone’s actual experience of the world, it puzzles me so much that we all STILL think that we perceive the world “correctly,” that our experiences are “the valid ones,” and that we remember things with ANY degree of “accuracy.” Because we don’t. Brains are not made to perceive the world accurately or to remember accurately – brains are made to predict the future, and they consciously process only a tiny fraction of what’s experienced, and that is always affected by their own history, their language, their biases, their mood at the time of the experience, and about a thousand other things. This is compounded when it comes to memory, because it’s not just the error in encoding reality accurately… but all the same issues come again when memory is retrieved, so the problem is at least doubled (and more than that if you’re remembering something more than once!) (Let me know in the comments if you want a post on the perception or memory literature.)  
    • So, most of the time, what’s called “gaslighting” has at least something to do with the fact that people are different, experience the world differently, remember the past differently, and are pretty sure they’re the ones who are right.  
  • When there is a misunderstanding or miscommunication 
    • As bad as we are at experiencing the world accurately and remembering it accurately, we’re worse at communicating it accurately to another person (or perceiving accurately what they intend to communicate). We lose almost all of the richness of an experience when it has to be boiled down into language, and then we almost all use language differently than everyone else. Oh, and all that stuff that gets in the way of accuracy when perceiving or remembering something gets in the way AGAIN when we listen, and not necessarily in a predictable way!  
    • Try this… imagine, REALLY imagine, in all the detail you can – your own bathroom. How it looks, smells, is configured. How it feels to be there, both physically and emotionally. Get a sense of the whole thing, including how it is different at different times of day or depending on your purpose there. Remember when it’s been steamy, and notice how the experience of reading the word “steamy” changed your memory of your bathroom in this exact moment, either bringing a new image or new emphasis to your steamy bathroom. And realize how much more likely you are to think of your bathroom as steamy next time you think of it. Paint it in your mind and let yourself see it like it’s in a movie and let yourself move through it like virtual reality and then fill in all the little details of how it  REALLY is. Now, with as much accuracy as you can… write down or say out loud everything you can about someone else’s bathroom. HA! Oh come on, try it! It’s hard enough when you’ve actually BEEN in someone else’s bathroom, but also try it with whatever you know that you’ve just been TOLD about someone else’s bathroom. If you can’t think of a bathroom you’ve talked about but not been in, call someone and ask them to describe their bathroom to you! Do it! It’s a really fun way to experience this difference between what we experience and how little of that we can communicate, and even more the lack of richness and accuracy we are limited to when hearing something from someone else! 
    • So, a lot of the time, what’s called “gaslighting” has a lot to do with how poorly we are able to communicate with each other about our internal and external experiences.  

I think those two bullets cover most of what comes up in therapy around “gaslighting,” but here are two more things that come up occasionally, that also are not gaslighting.  

  • When the other person is lying or manipulating and you know it 
    • If you KNOW the other person is lying, you have not been gaslit. Implicit in the concept of gaslighting is that the other person has enough power over you and your circumstances to convince you that you are the crazy one, and that they are trustworthy arbiters of reality. So, if you still have enough agency to know or even believe that they are lying or manipulating, then what they are doing (at most) is lying or manipulating, not gaslighting. 
    • That’s actually something that can be worked on in therapy, even if the first response is still denial!   
  • When you rely on the other person for reality testing and you trust them because they’re trustworthy  
    • This one comes up occasionally, and I actually like it. We are all relying on each other to do reality testing all the time. “Do you hear that sound?” “Oh yeah, it’s someone’s car alarm going off outside.” And things like that.  And it’s really good and useful. And it’s helpful when there’s more than one person to rely on. That’s another key to gaslighting – it’s really difficult to do if the target of the gaslighting isn’t completely isolated from other sources of potential information about the world.  
    • Sometimes, you might know you’re not great at a certain part of reality testing. For example, I’m really bad at remembering what I’ve said in the past. I rely on my husband a LOT for that. Is he always right? I’m sure he’s not. It’s just that he’s better at it than me! COULD he gaslight me if he wanted to, at least in that way? Oh yeah. But I don’t think he is…everything keeps turning out ok.

Here’s a potentially controversial thing to say (what’s new, Ellis!?)…  

Gaslighting, by definition, seems to include an intention on the part of the gaslighter. Can we compare it to sexual harassment? Sexual harassment has some clear behavioral definitions, but in any ambiguous situation, it is defined by the person who “feels harassed.” (There’s a topic for another day… is it possible to “feel verbed?”) Because the gaslighter has to change reality, because they have to “psychologically manipulate” – doesn’t that imply that they have to intend to gaslight someone?   

Can you “feel gaslit?” If you feel gaslit, does that mean you WERE? This is why I want to make sure we have a good variety of language around relational communication… Once a person feels gaslit, there’s no way for the other person to be part of the conversation anymore. If they were actually gaslighting, they’d be trying to explain how they weren’t. If they weren’t gaslighting, they’d be trying to explain how they weren’t.  It leaves no room for the other person’s experience, and then what? That’s a 100% power transfer to the person who feels gaslit. Maybe that’s what they want? But it doesn’t work in the therapy room, at least. 

Look, I’m usually a BIG proponent of using client’s the language. I’m a champion of the idea that it is the therapist’s job to mirror, tailor, and otherwise adapt their own presentation in order to build a comfortable and usable space for the client and facilitate empathy and connection! (Rather than this new notion of “authenticity” that seems to mean “do and say everything exactly the way it makes sense to you, and if other people don’t accommodate you, that’s their problem” – hmmm, maybe a rant on this in another post! Ha!) 

I also know that increasing the granularity and specificity of language helps improve cognitive flexibility and emotional recognition and regulation! So, I will absolutely offer new vocabulary to clients when it might be helpful and/or help them to clarify their vocabulary to increase their ability to communicate clearly both with others and inside themselves!  

 

Comment below: When has vocabulary shown up in your sessions as something important? In what ways? As always, especially comment if you disagree!  

 

 

 

 

More than Five Love Languages

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There are More than Five Love Languages

I don’t love the “five love languages.” I don’t love the book because it stresses me out when books about mental and relational health aren’t grounded in research. I don’t love the concept, because I find it very limiting and prescriptive. There are clearly more than five love languages! (Although when couples have already read it/heard about it, I won’t put it down, I’ll just try to “stretch it out.”)

I do like that the idea that couples are made of two people who are different from each other, and I do like the idea of shared vocabulary for shared understanding. One of the most important things for couples to learn in this kind of empathy work is understanding that the other person might experience something differently than you do – maybe even oppositely! 

That being said, here’s a slightly more comprehensive list of ways that one person might feel loved/validated, that the other person might not understand well – or might understand in a completely opposite way! (Note especially the blank bullet points at the bottom. I like the visual assumption that clients will add their own!) 

 

  • Being helped (my partner assumes I’m worth helping/ they assume I’m not capable)
  • Being asked for help (my partner needs me because I’m worthwhile / they don’t want to do their fair share)
  • Being complimented (my partner thinks nice things about me / they’re flattering and they want something)
  • Being given gifts/money (I’m valued / they think they can just buy my love)
  • Being sexually pursued (I’m desirable / they’re just using me for their own gratification)
  • Hugs/cuddling (they love to be near me / they’re clingy and smothering)
  • Doing things together (they like spending time with me / they can’t stand being alone)
  • Introducing to friends (they think others will like me / I’m too much for them to handle alone)
  • Giving advice (they care and want to help me / they think I’m stupid)
  • Monitoring behavior (they care and want me to be safe / they’re invading my privacy and autonomy)
  • Inviting to share interests (they think I’ll also enjoy that / they don’t care what I like)
  • Letting me make decisions (they trust me / they don’t want any responsibility )
  • Making me part of their FOO (wants to include me deeply in their lives / wants to take away my individuality)
  • Encouraging me to grow in xyz way (wants me to be my best self / thinks I’m garbage and wants to change me)
  • Emoting strongly (I’m a safe place for them / they can’t handle their anger, etc)
  •  
  •  
  •  

This kind of thing can help couples do that work of perspective taking and empathy, like when they realize they didn’t marry someone Crazy, Stupid, or Awful.

Comment below: Any others you can think of or that have come up in session? How have you used the “love languages” concept to good effect in couples’ work? 

 

 

 

 

Crazy, Stupid, or Awful?!

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Crazy, Stupid, or Awful?!

The foundation of couples’ work is often training them to listen. And of course, listening is actually incredibly difficult and relatively complex. For example, it involves all those difficult skills like self-soothing, holding difficult emotions, making space for the other person, accurate empathy, maximizing the use of working memory, tolerance for ambiguity, etc. And that seems overwhelming even here on this therapy blog, and it’s certainly overwhelming in session. But here’s an idea I sometimes put out in session when things start spiraling: 

You aren’t crazy, stupid, or awful and you probably didn’t marry someone who is crazy, stupid, or awful. So, there might be a misunderstanding in here somewhere. Let’s find it, shall we? 

Clients are more than likely to agree with the idea that they themselves are not crazy, stupid, or awful (and it’s nice to  validate them first, before going on to “defend” their partner). They also usually aren’t willing to say in therapy that their partner is one of those things. They at least don’t want to be married to (or in a relationship with) someone who is crazy, stupid, or awful.

This pause on our end often lets them pause on their end and create a little bit of space to hear their partner’s content differently. Yay! 

Occasionally, they will say their partner is crazy, stupid, or awful. Ok, no problem – now we know we’re in a contempt-place (in the Gottman way), and we can change gears to a process-rather-than-content level. 

 

Comment below: How do get couples to pause and refocus in session? Also, “QuotesFromSession” is a new tag – do you have any go-to session quotes that you often find useful? 

 

 

 

Why do we yell? (Just a theory!)

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Why do we yell? (Just a theory!) 

Specifically, this idea came to me during some couples’ work. Why do people yell at each other (and this probably goes for parents/kids, too…) 

Here’s a theory I have. 

Animals vocalize in lots of ways. But when do they “raise their voices”? What does the animal research say about this? (e.g., Seyfarth & Cheney, 2003) First, there are two issues here with my reading of the literature – one is that I’m not super familiar with the comparative (i.e., animal) psyc research and the other is that animal research is always observational and about making inferences – can’t ask them any questions! Just bear that in mind. But from what I can glean, animals probably get loud in three circumstances/for three reasons:

 

  • To demonstrate aggression, especially when they feel underpowered (i.e., actual predators who are about to eat prey are sneaky and quiet, but an animal that is afraid it’s about to get killed or eaten may get loud to try to discourage a predator)
  • To sound an alarm, either to warn others of their kind that there is a danger approaching or to call for assistance
  • As part of display meant to push another animal of its kind down the social hierarchy, in a competitive way 

So, whether or not this is precisely accurate, it has been an interesting topic of conversation with my couples. I explain this idea and then make it a little human…

“Is it possible that when people raise their voices, it’s because they’re feeling underpowered and they need a show a vocal strength because their argument isn’t strong enough on it’s merit? Might they get loud because they feel like they’re in danger and actually crying for help from their partners? Or sometimes maybe they just want to diminish their partner – try to shut them down by proving they’re more important, stronger, or otherwise farther up in the hierarchy?”

Then, after there is some buy-in, I bring it to the personal/situational level: “So when you raised your voice just now (or last night, etc.), which of those reasons resonates most with your experience?”

  • Sometimes they reluctantly identify that they lost their cool because they could tell they were losing the argument. That can open the door for looking at the merits of both positions in the less-intense therapy environment. 
  • Sometimes they reluctantly identify it as feeling in danger and crying for help, and that opens a door for softer emotions from them and softer responses from their partners. 
  • Sometimes they reluctantly admit that they wanted to push their partners down, they just wanted to win. And sometimes they try to wiggle out of that by saying “I raised my voice because they just weren’t listening to me!” (Which is a sneaky way of saying the same thing… I deserved to be heard more than they deserved to be heard.) 

Yeah, no one seems to really jump enthusiastically into any of those explanations. But they give clients food for thought, sometimes they come around later or bring it up in a later session. At the very least, it prompts a discussion about the process of the conflicts, and that’s usually a therapy win! 

 

Comment below: Do you happen to know more stuff about animals (esp mammals) vocalizing loudly? I’d love to hear it! (Not including the monkeys that scream for sex – haha!) Or, how do you help couples begin to address the process rather than just the content of their conflicts? 

 

Seyfarth, R. M., & Cheney, D. L. (2003) Meaning and emotion in animal vocalizations. Ann N Y Acad Sci., 1000, 32-55. doi: 10.1196/annals.1280.004. PMID: 14766619.

Photo credit – Joshua Cotten

 

 

 

 

Lessons from my kids books Vol 1: Percy Jackson

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Lessons From My Kids’ Books Vol. 1: Percy Jackson

Lessons are EVERYWHERE, if we’re attuned to them. I just finished reading the five books in the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series by Rick Riordan. (I know this is super nerdy, but I’m always reading at least 3 books – a foundational psyc book, a book that might be useful to clients, and an easy-read book for the 2-3 minute breaks in life. Sometimes, I use that time to read the books my kids are reading, so we can engage around them. I like to have at least some of the same stories in our heads, Side note: This is a reason that reading the same books or watching the same movies as your partner can be really cool, even if they’re not what you would choose for yourself!) 

So, I’m assuming this will end up having multiple volumes. 

Ok, so these are books about teenagers who are demigods (in the Greek system) with lots of heroism and action, slight romance, and enough actually accurate mythology to make it totally worth reading. (I felt the need to write a tiny review there. I’m not completely aware of why.) 

So, here’s the lesson. Main character is chatting with Athena, goddess of wisdom, who says, “The most dangerous flaws are those which are good in moderation.” 

In this particular case, she’s speaking about the hero’s personal loyalty to friends. A virtue, of course! Unless it overtakes all other virtues. 

This is a way I often talk to clients, but especially couples. The areas in which couples are different so often become points of contention rather than celebration, and one important part of couples work is helping them to recognize and appreciate their partners’ differences.  

The flipside is that any strength can become a weakness when it gets taken to the extreme. Helping clients realize when they will benefit more from pulling back on an area of strength to keep it from becoming a weakness is just as important. We call it “falling off the cliff.” 

Examples:

  • assertiveness is great, until it alienates everyone
  • quiet acceptance is great, until it leads to resentment
  • putting your partner’s needs ahead of your own is great, until you lose your whole self or collapse from exhaustion
  • prioritizing your own needs is great, until no one can count on you
  • staying home is great, until you don’t have any friends left
  • going out is great, until you have no beer money left

Haha! See where I’m going with this? 

 

Comment below: Virtues in balance. How has that come up with your clients? 

 

 

 

Forest Wandering (A Couples’ Metaphor)

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Forest Wandering (A Couples’ Metaphor)

In a perfect world, we go through life with our partners sometimes walking hand in hand, and sometimes exploring within earshot, and occasionally going off on our own but easily finding our way back to each other. Totally in sync, perfect partners know each others’ maps perfectly, and keep them continually updated. 

But sometimes, it suddenly seems like our partner is in an entirely different place – they confuse us because they don’t feel the way we expect or don’t respond how we think they will.  Sometimes that comes out like “You’re obviously wrong!” or “Stop being stupid!” or “You hurt me on purpose!” or “You should have known better!”

We entered the forest at the same place, maybe, but they’ve apparently popped out on the other side in a way different place than we have. It’s easy to imagine they’ve teleported, but it’s not true. They walked, same as us. They just walked a different path. Finding out what it was takes courage and openness. But it’s worth it, to know your partner’s landscape! 

When our partners surprise us, first we need to notice we’re surprised – sometimes that can be hard under the hurt or anger, or we’ve let it go on so long that we’re “used to it” by now because “they’re always like that.” But once we realize that they have some wildly different idea than we do, or that they seem to be acting crazy, or that this ostensibly smart/thoughtful/brave/loyal/etc person that we got together with seems to be replaced by an evil clone… we can do the work. And it’s as simple as, “I didn’t expect that [behavior, response, thought]… will you tell me how you got there?”

Simple, but not always easy. 

Rest assured – our partners VERY RARELY get replaced by evil clones. They probably aren’t crazy, malicious, or stupid. We just have to manage our own negative emotions, snap judgments, and other reactionary reactions long enough to hear it.

 

Comment below: Have you experienced this your relationship? How have you taught clients/couples to do this process? 

 

 

 

 

Measuring Sticks

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Measuring Sticks

Do you remember Mary Poppins’ measuring tape? When she measures Michael, it reads “Rather Stubborn and Suspicious” and when she measures Jane, it reads “Inclined to Giggle Doesn’t put things away.” And what does it say when she measures herself? “Practically Perfect in Every Way.” 

Clients come in to therapy with their own measuring sticks – and based on their own histories, experiences, biases, fears, hopes, etc. – they have a tendency to believe that their measuring stick is the RIGHT measuring stick. They’re quick to assume that their memory of the last argument, their assumption about their partner’s (or boss’ or kids’) intention, their prediction of the future is practically perfect in every way. 

One of the biggest and most pervasive challenges in therapy, I think, is getting clients to trade in their rulers. (After all, they’ve been using this trusty ruler since childhood, probably. It must be a good one!) Sometimes, they’ve been using “trick rulers” that just don’t measure the peril or injustice (etc.) in the world in an accurate way. (Yes! Those are real, and I want to buy one for therapy to use in a fun experiential activity, but I can’t bring myself to spend the $25!) Helping clients to recognize that maybe their genetics, physiology, past trauma, or many other factors have distorted their way of measuring may work better in a metacognitive kind of way than just helping them to measure each situation more accurately. 

Sometimes, they’re using their own ruler to judge someone else’s experience instead of using the other person’s ruler. In those cases, even if they have a super “accurate” ruler (which they probably don’t) or they took notes on the last session with their kid, or they recorded the last argument with their partner, or they pull out the email from their boss – they don’t get any close to understand the other person’s experience or intention by judging with their own rulers. 

I think a lot of this dysfunction comes from a generically nice place. When kids are little, they’re often told things like, “Don’t take Cindy’s doll. How would you feel if Cindy took your doll?” Which is probably better than not thinking about Cindy’s feelings or experience at all, but it makes the mistake of assuming that Cindy will have the same or similar experience to us. But what if we have 100 dolls and Cindy only has 2? We may damage Cindy so much, destroy the relationship, and be completely perplexed about why we’ve lost our best friend! What if we love Barbies and would treasure this stolen Barbie in a deeply forbidden, guilty way, but Cindy hates Barbies and wouldn’t really care? Then we miss an opportunity to ask Cindy if we could share or have her Barbie, Cindy misses out on an experience of altruism, we don’t get to enjoy and treasure the Barbie in a shame-free way, and we both miss out on building intimacy. 

Judging the world, and other people, solely from our own perspectives destines us for failures in empathy. Even if our measuring stick is more accurate than someone else’s. 

Comment below: How have you helped clients to use a different ruler or make theirs more accurate? 

 

 

 

 

Couples Metaphor – Yoga

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Yoga for Couples

Here’s a great relationship metaphor… but be aware that it might not work as well for clients who have no experience with yoga!

 

What about thinking about your relationship the way you think about your yoga practice?

 

  • 1) Set your intention. When you’re tuned in to your practice, mindfully present, your practice goes better. You know it does. When you’re just there because it’s Tuesday morning, when you’re checked out because you have a busy day ahead, when you’re there even when you know that sleeping in would have been healthier for you… your practice suffers.
    • Whether this is about the initiation of a relationship, or about a communication within a relationship you have, being mindfully aware of what you are entering into is crucial.
  • 1a) Be honest about that. It does no good to set your intention to “peace” during your yoga practice when you know you’re too worked up, or if it’s a Hot Power Flow class! You don’t need your intention to be the same as anyone else’s, and certainly not “better” than theirs (as if that’s possible).
    • In your relationship, there’s no point in setting an intention you “should” have, rather than the one you actually do have. Those “shoulds” might come from you, your history, your facebook feed, wherever. But it’s worth it to be honest with yourself about what you’re looking for.
  • 1b) Change if necessary. In addition to being honest, you want your intention to be healthy. If you’ve honestly reflected and your intention for your practice is to look better than the person next you, or to make and hold a pose regardless of your injuries… well, that’s why we set our intentions early in the practice – so we don’t waste all of that time and effort chasing something harmful.
    • Likewise, if you can tell that your intention for the relationship – or the argument – is just to win, to be “better than,” to have something you know will be nice now but damaging in the future… it’s time to rethink. Before that argument starts, preferably.

 

  • 2) Be gentle. We know that gentle stretching increases flexibility safely and – because it doesn’t cause damage – it doesn’t injure us and set us back. Similarly, gently breathing through discomfort and gently encouraging yourself to build strength go a long way toward not just finishing your practice well… but showing up the next day. Being a harsh critic has no place in yoga.
    • When communicating with your partner, always err on the side of gentleness. Clarity is important, yes. But more important is that additional damage doesn’t occur, setting the conversation back further. Going slowly, staying together, breathing through discomfort, gentle encouragement… these are powerful relationship changers, even though they aren’t dramatic.
  • 2a) Don’t expect the same “performance” every time. Every day and every practice is different. Although we tend to grow in healthy ways and make sustainable gains in yoga, what was easy yesterday may be difficult today. For many reasons, a joint may be stiff or a muscle sore.
    • Likewise, there are always multiple factors working in and around us in our relationships. While you can expect pleasant changes over time (in the context of healthy communication and such), it’s a bad idea to “microjudge” yourself or your partner. No need to hold yourself strictly accountable to being exactly the same all the time. 

 

  • 3) Don’t rush to the end. There is no “end.” There’s no winning in yoga. There’s no “being right.” It’s not a competition. It’s a practice.
    • Work slowly and gently, with the process in mind, more than the outcome. Too often, we’ve already decided the only acceptable outcome for us in advance, but then there’s no space to grow.
  • 3a) Don’t work on everything all at once. Building strength and flexibility in one area certainly benefits other areas. You’ve probably been to a yoga class that emphasized “twisting” and on another day emphasized “warrior strength.” And while that might mean that the overall
    • You needn’t cover all the

 

  • 4) Namaste. During the whole practice (and at the end), remember to honor the divine light within you, your instructor, and everyone present. It helps to maintain the growth-mindset rather than the competition mindset.
    • At the beginning, at the end, and whenever you need to in the middle of your communication – remind yourself (and maybe your partner) that this is a fully alive human being, deserving of love and respect. Remind yourself that you are, too.
  • 4a) End with peace. No matter what happens during practice, whether your legs were shaking in crescent, you fell out of tree pose, or anything else… savasana is always there.
    • Sometime when you aren’t in conflict, work out a peaceful place for yourself and your partner. Words you can say to reassure one another, something you can do together, or a place you can literally go that is “sacred” and set apart, that doesn’t involve conflict. Then, you always have something to look forward to. Even if that isn’t possible, make sure you have that for yourself, so that you can rest and recover… and come back the next day.

 

Double Triple Bonus points if you get clients to attend yoga together to enhance the metaphor!

Comment below: This metaphor seems endlessly rich to me! How can you contribute to it?

 

 

 

 

Explore Colonize Conquer

EllisLeave a comment

Explore, Colonize, Conquer

First, thank you to my clients (M&K) who gave birth to this metaphor with me. It has been so powerful, and not just in your lives.

…

When you meet another person, you aren’t just meeting another person. You’re meeting another person and all of their territory. By “territory,” I mean all of their thoughts, feelings, and neurophysiological responses that are based in the totality of their history and experiences. All of these are fundamentally different from your territory and fundamentally unknowable without that person’s willing guidance.

There are three ways to approach a new territory.

  • As a conqueror.
    • A conqueror knows what’s right and best. They force or coerce to get their own way. They take over – abolishing what was in favor of what they want. They destroy and replace. They wage war – loudly and quietly.
    • You can tell a conqueror by their actions and their language. They are forceful, uncompromising. They listen poorly (distorting) or not at all. They say things like, “yes, but…” and “But I…”
    • Everyone is a conqueror sometimes, whether you wish to think it about yourself or not. So, drop the pride and take stock. Pay attention to yourself. It’s more subtle than you think and it’s sinister. It feels right when you’re doing it. It feels…righteous. Don’t be what you don’t want to be.
  • As a colonizer.
    • A colonizer is pleased with their own way. They know they can bring good things to the new situation. Manners, refinement, worthy (if different) traditions. Changes…but only good changes (or so they protest)!
    • You can tell a colonizer by their actions and their language. They seem accommodating at first, and then you’re surprised when you’ve acquiesced. They listen, but artfully dismiss. They say things like, “I think we should…” and “how about we…”
    • Everyone is a colonizer sometimes, whether you wish to think it about yourself or not. (Oh! Therapists are SO guilty of this, so often!) So, drop the pride and take stock. Pay attention to yourself. It’s much, much more subtle than conquering. It’s (ostensibly) gentler. It feels more right. Don’t be what you don’t want to be.
  • As an explorer.
    • An explorer wants only to be exposed and educated. They do not have pre-formed opinions. They are completely open, and prepared to handle surprises gently and with curiosity and grace. They simply want to know more, hear more, understand more fully and accurately. They have no desire to change what is.
    • You can also tell an explorer by their actions and words. They make space for what is new. They ask honest questions to clarify what is new or unclear. They go slowly, without encroaching. They listen.
    • As therapists, we hope to be explorers. In relationships (romantic, familial, etc.), exploring is crucial. But it takes a lot of work, and self-management…it’s not anyone’s natural instinct.

 

In theory, you and this other person want (to some extent, at least!) to merge your borders and create “our land.” The ONLY healthy way to do this is as explorers first, then settlers – cultivating the shared land together, harmoniously.

 

 

Comment with thoughts on expanding this metaphor, or your own couples’ metaphor!

 

All Different

EllisLeave a comment

We’re All Different

I know, that’s not really news to us. Though you wouldn’t know it if you just listened your couple-clients, would you? It’s wild to me how much they expect the other to have the same personality, likes/dislikes, perspective, neurobiology, history, motives…well, you get the idea. Or rather, it’s not that I think they really expect that, but they just seem not to give it much thought?
I’d like to share an exercise with you that I use with many couples, to good effect. It asks couples to identify their differences – silly ones, serious ones, big and small – and to identify how they tolerate, accept, or celebrate those differences. (And they do at least tolerate them all, or they wouldn’t be in your office!) It gives you an opportunity to talk about how all of those are ok, and how you can even move up from tolerate to accept, or from acceptance to celebration. And it sets the stage for another important part of coupes work – each choosing to accept the other person fully while making efforts to change themselves, accepting influence from the other person and accommodating when more movement doesn’t feel possible.

 

Note: Couples, even ones who do this very well, need to continually revisit and update this information. Just as we’re different from our partners, we’re different from ourselves from last year, or ten years ago.

Bonus: This works with families, too!

Comment below if you have other techniques you’ve used to help couples or families experience each others’ differences in a gentle way.