differences, EllisTangents

There are More than Five Love Languages

I don’t love the “five love languages.” I don’t love the book because it stresses me out when books about mental and relational health aren’t grounded in research. I don’t love the concept, because I find it very limiting and prescriptive. There are clearly more than five love languages! (Although when couples have already read it/heard about it, I won’t put it down, I’ll just try to “stretch it out.”)

I do like that the idea that couples are made of two people who are different from each other, and I do like the idea of shared vocabulary for shared understanding. One of the most important things for couples to learn in this kind of empathy work is understanding that the other person might experience something differently than you do – maybe even oppositely!

That being said, here’s a slightly more comprehensive list of ways that one person might feel loved/validated, that the other person might not understand well – or might understand in a completely opposite way! (Note especially the blank bullet points at the bottom. I like the visual assumption that clients will add their own!)

Being helped (my partner assumes I’m worth helping/ they assume I’m not capable)
Being asked for help (my partner needs me because I’m worthwhile / they don’t want to do their fair share)
Being complimented (my partner thinks nice things about me / they’re flattering and they want something)
Being given gifts/money (I’m valued / they think they can just buy my love)
Being sexually pursued (I’m desirable / they’re just using me for their own gratification)
Hugs/cuddling (they love to be near me / they’re clingy and smothering)
Doing things together (they like spending time with me / they can’t stand being alone)
Introducing to friends (they think others will like me / I’m too much for them to handle alone)
Giving advice (they care and want to help me / they think I’m stupid)
Monitoring behavior (they care and want me to be safe / they’re invading my privacy and autonomy)
Inviting to share interests (they think I’ll also enjoy that / they don’t care what I like)
Letting me make decisions (they trust me / they don’t want any responsibility )
Making me part of their FOO (wants to include me deeply in their lives / wants to take away my individuality)
Encouraging me to grow in xyz way (wants me to be my best self / thinks I’m garbage and wants to change me)
Emoting strongly (I’m a safe place for them / they can’t handle their anger, etc)

This kind of thing can help couples do that work of perspective taking and empathy, like when they realize they didn’t marry someone Crazy, Stupid, or Awful.

Comment below: Any others you can think of or that have come up in session? How have you used the “love languages” concept to good effect in couples’ work?

We’re All Different

I know, that’s not really news to us. Though you wouldn’t know it if you just listened your couple-clients, would you? It’s wild to me how much they expect the other to have the same personality, likes/dislikes, perspective, neurobiology, history, motives…well, you get the idea. Or rather, it’s not that I think they really expect that, but they just seem not to give it much thought?

I’d like to share an exercise with you that I use with many couples, to good effect. It asks couples to identify their differences – silly ones, serious ones, big and small – and to identify how they tolerate, accept, or celebrate those differences. (And they do at least tolerate them all, or they wouldn’t be in your office!) It gives you an opportunity to talk about how all of those are ok, and how you can even move up from tolerate to accept, or from acceptance to celebration. And it sets the stage for another important part of coupes work – each choosing to accept the other person fully while making efforts to change themselves, accepting influence from the other person and accommodating when more movement doesn’t feel possible.

Note: Couples, even ones who do this very well, need to continually revisit and update this information. Just as we’re different from our partners, we’re different from ourselves from last year, or ten years ago.

Bonus: This works with families, too!

Comment below if you have other techniques you’ve used to help couples or families experience each others’ differences in a gentle way.