There are More than Five Love Languages
I don’t love the “five love languages.” I don’t love the book because it stresses me out when books about mental and relational health aren’t grounded in research. I don’t love the concept, because I find it very limiting and prescriptive. There are clearly more than five love languages! (Although when couples have already read it/heard about it, I won’t put it down, I’ll just try to “stretch it out.”)
I do like that the idea that couples are made of two people who are different from each other, and I do like the idea of shared vocabulary for shared understanding. One of the most important things for couples to learn in this kind of empathy work is understanding that the other person might experience something differently than you do – maybe even oppositely!
That being said, here’s a slightly more comprehensive list of ways that one person might feel loved/validated, that the other person might not understand well – or might understand in a completely opposite way! (Note especially the blank bullet points at the bottom. I like the visual assumption that clients will add their own!)
- Being helped (my partner assumes I’m worth helping/ they assume I’m not capable)
- Being asked for help (my partner needs me because I’m worthwhile / they don’t want to do their fair share)
- Being complimented (my partner thinks nice things about me / they’re flattering and they want something)
- Being given gifts/money (I’m valued / they think they can just buy my love)
- Being sexually pursued (I’m desirable / they’re just using me for their own gratification)
- Hugs/cuddling (they love to be near me / they’re clingy and smothering)
- Doing things together (they like spending time with me / they can’t stand being alone)
- Introducing to friends (they think others will like me / I’m too much for them to handle alone)
- Giving advice (they care and want to help me / they think I’m stupid)
- Monitoring behavior (they care and want me to be safe / they’re invading my privacy and autonomy)
- Inviting to share interests (they think I’ll also enjoy that / they don’t care what I like)
- Letting me make decisions (they trust me / they don’t want any responsibility )
- Making me part of their FOO (wants to include me deeply in their lives / wants to take away my individuality)
- Encouraging me to grow in xyz way (wants me to be my best self / thinks I’m garbage and wants to change me)
- Emoting strongly (I’m a safe place for them / they can’t handle their anger, etc)
This kind of thing can help couples do that work of perspective taking and empathy, like when they realize they didn’t marry someone Crazy, Stupid, or Awful.
Comment below: Any others you can think of or that have come up in session? How have you used the “love languages” concept to good effect in couples’ work?