phenomenology, EllisTangents

They might be an alien…

If you haven’t read the Crazy, Stupid, Awful blog, go ahead and do that first.

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For fun, to help a couple who has a deeply difficult time understanding the other’s internal logic, I gave them an assignment to watch a sci-fi or fantasy movie for a date night, or even a family movie night. I requested that it be something neither of them had seen, and that they let me know what it was, so that I could make sure I watched it before we met again.

I suppose this could work with any kind of movie, but I thought the extra distance element might help.

So, when we got back together, we spent several minutes talking about what makes sense in the movie that would NOT make sense in Real Life? And then taking it to the character level (which is why it might work with any kind of movie). When this heroine does this amazing thing at the end of the movie – does it make sense? (Yes, if the movie’s any good.) And would it make sense if any other character did that amazing thing at the end? (No, if the movie’s any good.)

And then we go through what we learn (that is, what the movie writers, directors, and editors teach us) about each character so that their behavior makes sense. In a well-done story of any kind, the writer has to give you certain pieces of information so that the characters’ actions are understandable. And because writers try to give readers/watchers at least a few different main characters (with different background, motivations, etc.), most stories will work for this exercise.

Now, if your partner is an alien, you need them to teach you what things are like “on their planet” or “with their species.” You need them to teach you, as if they are the writer/director/editor of a movie about them, what you need to know about their biology/neurology/history/experiences/culture in order to understand why they – as a character in this story – do not behave in the same way you do. And you need to simultaneously realize – YOU are not the earthling. You are not the holder of all reality, and that’s where the sci-fi/fantasy thing helps more, I think.

I don’t think this is specifically a lot different than any kind of empathy or phenomenological understanding or perspective taking work, but it was helpful with these clients who really struggle. And now they have a language to say to each other, “That’s not really how it works with my species” or “How is that different on your planet?” that is giving them a little more space to talk about their differences in a friendly way.

And they had a fun date night. 🙂

Comment below: How do you help clients who really struggle with this?!

Connect These Dots

Connect these dots. Go ahead. Geez, at least imagine doing it!

Chances are one of these pictures is something like what you imagined as “the way” (or “your way”) to connect the dots, and some of them aren’t. Some might have surprised you, in a delightful way. Some of them might even feel…. wrong to you. ::Gasp!:: This isn’t a mind blowing concept – people connect dots in different ways. They perceive the same situation differently. This is just another way to demonstrate this for clients. I like it because it’s experiential and also relatively non-threatening (and super easy – you don’t need anything but what you normally have in your office to do this) The Horse & Frog pictures exercise is another way I like to do this.

I’ve recently taken this exercise to the next level in a fun way…

I made this picture (it was much harder than I expected to find the right “star level” for this activity, especially royalty free) and I printed it as a photo multiple times. I keep them in my office along with 3-4 of the metallic sharpies. I hand one photo and one sharpie to each client and tell them, “Imagine you are priest-king of an ancient civilization and create a constellation.” They do, and they obviously create different constellations. One of the bonus-features to this activity is that they typically use most of the same larger stars, but they also use different medium/background stars to complete their constellations. That gives us a way to talk about connecting the dots differently, but also things like cultural background, personal history, and perceptual differences in how they construct a narrative.

Comment below – I’d love to see the other ways you connect these dots, or ideas you have about bringing this concept into session! And definitely feel free to steal this!