Tag: ReversalTheory

Reversal Theory Workbook

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Reversal Theory Workbook

And here’s the other reason that I was on a bit of a hiatus from blogging…

Probably if you spend any time on the Ellis Tangents blog, you know about Diligent Page Publications by now. 

Diligent Page Publications exists to give the therapy gifts that are possible to deliver just in words. None of these books will replace an awesome therapist. But they’re certain to be research-supported, practical, and affordable. They are only authored by mental health professionals with your best interests at heart. 

The Reversal Theory workbook has been quite a while in the making – I think that this little-known theory has a LOT to give the world of psychology (along with business, education, behavioral health, etc.) and I often teach it (or components of it) to my clients as part of their therapy work. 

If you haven’t read much about Reversal Theory before, check out these posts! 

Comment below: Are there any RT topics that you’d like to see blogged about? Also, consider this first edition largely a draft; I welcome all feedback about how to make it better! Thanks!

 

 

 

Great Books Volume 5: Contemporary and Wildly Useful Books Written by People I Know

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Great Books Vol 5: Contemporary and Wildly Useful Books Written by People I Know (at least on Twitter!)

Transcend by Scott Barry Kaufman – This book is for everyone! It’s deeply humanistic and optimistic and transformational. If you thought you knew anything about Maslow’s “hierarchy of needs,” you should FOR SURE read this! It’ll both blow your mind and give you a great new metaphor for understanding human needs and actualization. Also, SBK is just this very cool, super authentic, and genuinely KIND human person. Oh, and he has the best podcast ever, too – The Psychology Podcast.

Show Your Anxiety Who’s Boss by Joel Minden – This is my favorite CBT book for clients. It’s easy to read, and the take-home message is simple and easy to remember (even though Joel knows I always roll my eyes at acronyms that are made to be cute, it turns out they are memorable!). One of my favorite things is how comprehensive it feels without turning into a long list of cognitive distortions. And I just really like the term “anxious fictions!” 

The Habit of a Happy Life: 30 Days to a Positive Addiction by Jeff Zeig. Jeff has written a lot of books, and I like all of them that I’ve read (because the way he thinks, especially about therapy, is just brilliant), but they’re not all for a very broad audience. This one, however, would be very useful for many clinicians and clients alike. If you ever read Positive Addiction by William Glasser, I’d say this is like an update version – same great concept, newer research, and I like Jeff’s writing better than Glasser’s, too! 

The Suicidal Thoughts Workbook by Kathryn Gordon – Is it weird to get really excited about a book on so heavy a topic? NO! Not for therapists, it’s not! Haven’t you lamented how few good resources there are for clients around suicide? This workbook is incredibly compassionate and thorough, gentle and practical. There’s no shying away from any difficult topics, and everything is handled with confidence in and grace for the reader. This is an indispensable resource for therapists, and I have no doubt it will be life-saving for clients. 

Brains Explained by Micah & Alie Caldwell (and sort of by their cats). Look, I know I’m an intense nerd and so you won’t like all the books I like. But if you’re one of the HUGE number of therapists who is both really interested in neuro/brain stuff but sometimes also intimidated by neuro/brain stuff, you’re going to SWOON for this book! There’s definitely enough in there that’s genuinely relevant to clinical practice to make it worth the buy on its own – but be prepared to accidentally get swept up in all the rest of it, too. It’s just so…. accessible and hilarious! And the chapters are almost bite-sized. They’re like…dessert-sized. What more could you want? (Oh, they have a fun YouTube channel, too!)

ZigZag by Michael Apter – Michael is one of my most treasured mentors. If you’ve read any of the Reversal Theory blog posts, you have also benefitted from his brilliance! He’s also written several books, but this one is the newest introduction to RT and it’s really accessible. So many more people (including your clients and yourself!) will find this book somewhere between interestingly useful and life-changing, so give it a try! 

Updated! Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski CAYA is my all time favorite book about sex!! Although it’s geared toward women, I almost always have men in relationships read it, too, especially if they’re in relationships with women. Emily is an incredible writer – she has a wild gift of taking really good, dense research and turning it into something both understandable and meaningful for the lay reader. Make sure you get the newest (revised & updated) version that was published in 2021, mostly because she says she likes it better. 

Also, CAYA has a workbook! (In fact, two cool things about the workbook. One is that I am one of the people who helped review it for initial edits, which was super fun! The second is that I’m pretty sure my husband is the reason the book exists – when we first read CAYA in 2013, before Emily was crazy famous and busy, he just emailed her to ask if she had any of the exercises in PDF, so we didn’t have to mark up the actual book and we could have 2 of each of them. So, she made them into PDFs and emailed them. Then, she put them on her website. Then, this book became a thing!)

And, yes, I’m a Nagoski superfan, so Burnout: Unlocking the Secret to the Stress Cycle (by Emily & Amelia Nagoski) makes this list, too. Incredibly useful, especially for that subset of adult female clients who grew up learning that they had to always play support roles, even unto exhaustion (and maybe developed resentment, anxiety, or low self esteem as a result). Goes along nicely with the podcast The Feminist Survival Project 2020. Just a note – both the book and the podcast lean pretty heavily liberal, but as long as I have warned my conservative clients about that, it’s been ok. 

Oh, and SURPRISE! I wrote a book, too! 😉 But you can’t have it until August! 

 

 

Comment below: What are your favorite therapy-oriented books these days? 

Reversal Theory “On The Couch”

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Reversal Theory “On The Couch” 

This one’s not going to make much sense if you haven’t been following the Reversal Theory series, but if you want to check them out, here’s #1, #2, #3, and #4.

Here, as promised, are some RT-based techniques (and tweaks on classic techniques) that I’ve used in really cool and fun ways in therapy, to good effect. 

 

  • Intake Questions: Most clinical interview/intake questions are aimed at determining the client’s presenting issues and background information for diagnostic purposes. Sometimes, questions are included about clients’ expectations for therapy, their goals, and their perceived strengths.
    • RT transformation:
      • How much do you experience yourself as being serious and goal oriented? In which area of your life do you experience the best sense of “achievement”? In which area of your life do you experience that the least?
      • Playful/enjoyment; Being like others/fitting in; Being an individual/freedom; etc.
  • Cognitive Therapy: Thoughts, feelings and behavior are all connected, and that clients can overcoming difficulties and meet their goals by identifying and changing inaccurate, maladaptive thoughts. First steps are identifying maladaptive thoughts, evaluating them for accuracy/utility, and then  developing reasonable counter-thoughts, which clients tend to struggle with.
    • RT transformation:
      • The opposing nature of the RT states gives a quick, easy way to begin identifying potential, but reasonable, counterthoughts. For ex, clients often have anxiety provoking thoughts such as “this  storm is very dangerous” or “I can’t do well at this and that’s awful”. Clients tend to try to create counterthoughts in the same state, and these can be hard to swallow or not very accurate. For ex, “this storm isn’t all that dangerous” or “Maybe I am good enough at this after all”
      • Changing states creates fresh, conceivable options. For ex, “This storm is fascinating and awe-inspiring”  or “I don’t need to do well at everything to be valuable.”
  • Couples Work
    • Couples are taught to identify the RT states they are in during typical conflicts. They re-enact the conflicts in session, with an emphasis on “getting into the partner’s state” (each in turn) to improve empathy, reflection, and problem solving.
    • Techniques to help couples see from their partner’s perspective include overt state-disclosure, switching seats, mimicking partner’s posture/expression/tone, letting the partner “paint the picture,” guessing the partner’s state, and state-mapping
  • Group Work
    • This is a psychodrama-type technique I call “the gauntlet.” Two rows of 4 pairs of players (“auxiliary egos”) line up and each speak from the opposing states on the problem the protagonist has identified. The protagonist (the client who is doing the current work) “walks the gauntlet” and listens, makes comments, moves players (sit down, back up, etc.), turns the volume up and down, etc., in an improvisational way.
  • Guided Imagery
    • In the Eight Rooms technique (specific to Reversal Theory) an individual or group is instructed by a leader in a guided imagery session. The participants envision a hallway with eight rooms, four on each side. Each pair of rooms represents a pair of RT states. The participants are instructed to enter each room and fill it with colors, objects, scents, memories, and anything that helps to define each state for them. For example, a telic room may have paneling on the walls, a large clock, diplomas, and a work desk. A paratelic room may have brightly painted walls, a hammock, a tiki bar, loud music, and a bubble-machine. The participants are instructed to use as many senses as possible and not to limit themselves to ordinary furniture or objects. They are encouraged that, after the guided imagery, they will be able to use their memory of each room in order to induce the state desired at the time.

COmment below: What ways can you imagine using RT in session? 

 

 

 

Psychodiversity

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Psychodiversity 

Welcome to the 4th Reversal Theory blog! In this “episode,” I hope to tie all of these concepts together for you in a way that will show how Reversal Theory can be a great addition to your therapeutic repertoire – in terms of conceptualization and even treatment planning!

Popular in both the professional and lay communities is the idea that mental stability equates to mental health. However, Reversal Theory posits precisely the opposite, that people are healthiest when they exhibit the fluidity to be able to experience satisfaction in all eight states at appropriate times. As Apter (2007) says, “The reversal theory view is that a certain kind of instability is essential for a full and happy life: one should be able to pursue the satisfactions of serious achievement, but also at other times the more frivolous joys of play; one should be able to feel the warm agreeableness of bring a ‘good citizen,’ but also from time to time the keen pleasures of defiance and independence; one should be able to experience the pride of personal strength as well as, on other occasions, the comforts of modest humility” (p.187). This ability to experience all of the states and their attendant satisfactions is known as psychodiversity. Combined with an adequate frustration tolerance, a functioning internal measure of satiation, and the ability to respond effectively to situational factors, including other people, psychodiversity defines what it means to be healthy – to be able to work, love, and play effectively.

Let me give a few examples of how the concept of psychodiversity plays out in therapy…

  • Have you ever used Lazarus’ multi-modal therapy model as a way of identifying different areas of life that need to be treated for a holistic approached? What about the pie chart with physicals health, social health, spiritual health, emotional health, etc?
  • How often do clients come in complaining of being “stuck”? They often need help to get the satisfactions from a state they don’t have much practice in, or in learning how to switch states to fit their situations. 
  • All those different presentations of depression that the DSM5 can’t quite seem to cover? When the main characteristic is low self-worth, consider an autic-mastery kind of depression, where the client isn’t able to acheive the satisfaction of that state, but is in it often. When the main characteristic is boredom consider a paratelic-depression. Lack of motivation? Telic depression. Loneliness? Self-sympathy depression. Alienation? Conforming depression. This gives us a way not only to help clients learn how to derive the satisfaction from a state they’re stuck in, but also to focus more on and gain more value from switching to other states, too. 
  • Anxiety is a classic telic-disorder. The focus on danger, on the importance of success (or of not-failing), the future-orientation… And we often try to manage it in a telic way only (reducing anxiety) rather than also using the tool of switching to the paratelic state. 
  • What are the personality disorders but various combination of autic stuckness? 

I’ll do another blog post in the near future about some specific RT-based techniques and tweaks-to-techniques that I have found really helpful. In the meantime…

 

Comment below: Now that you know plenty about RT to start posing really interesting questions to yourself… how could you see this working in therapy? 

 

 

 

 

Reversing

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Reversing

This is the third blog in the Reversal Theory series – if you haven’t, check out the first one here . And the second one here. 

 

As a reminder, Reversal Theory posits that we each have 4 different sets of states that we are in some combination of all the time – one each from Serious/Playful (also called Telic/Paratelic), Conforming/Rebellious, Mastery/Sympathy, and Self/Other (also called Autic/Alloic). So, at work you might usually be in the Serious-Conforming-Self-Mastery states, and if you are, you’re probably killing it! But, if you’re in the Playful-Rebellious-Self-Mastery states, you’re probably daydreaming about skiing and not getting much done. 

Despite the pervasiveness of the “continuum” in current psychological thinking, the ever-present bell curve, and the call for moderation in all things, the pairs of RT states do not operate this way. The bank of light switches above not chosen arbitrarily! At any given time, the light switch is positioned up or down. If pushed, it will flip to its opposite position. If not pushed hard enough, it will flip back to its original position. It does not rest in the center position. Likewise, a person is in one state of each pair or the other (this is called bistability). Bistability refers to a system which has two preferred ranges rather than one. 

A Necker cube (above) is a good example of reversing. It can be viewed sensibly in two equal but opposite ways, but there is no intermediate position and one cannot focus on the transition between the two states because it happens too quickly. Similarly, each pair of RT states functions as a “bistable” system; one is either in the serious state or the playful state, there is no stable position in between. 

So, how do we switch (or REVERSE!) our states? Three ways. 

 

Contingent reversals are the most common. A contingent reversal occurs based on an event, setting, or other environmental influence. For example, an event that is seen as threatening is likely to produce a reversal into the serious state (e.g., when one is joy-riding and then sees a police officer behind them). An event that is perceived as unfair will likely produce a reversal into the rebellious state (e.g., when a teenager is planning to go out and then is told she has been grounded). Note that it is the perception of the event which is of consequence, as events will be interpreted by different people or at different times in different ways. Another environmental factor that often produces reversals is the setting. A sports stadium may induce the playful state; a nursery may induce the sympathy state; your boss’ office may induce the serious state. Any situational event (e.g., seeing your partner smile, feeling nauseous, music playing in the background) can prompt a state reversal.

Often, the combination of many situational factors in balance determines the state one is in. For example, I may be drinking cocktails and watching football with friends (all paratelic-inducing/playful for me) and see a spider (typically a telic-inducing/serious event for me), but I might not be moved from the playful state due to the influence of the aforementioned factors. In essence, the perceived situational factors may be viewed as if on a scale, or a see-saw. Situational factors may “add up” enough to tip the internal see-saw to the opposite state, or the opposing factors may not be weighty enough, in which case I remain in the state I was in.

 

Another way that reversals are induced is through frustration. If you remember from the second blog, each state has certain kinds of satisfaction embedded within it. 

Telic -> Achievement

Paratelic -> Enjoyment

Conforming -> Fitting in

Rebellious -> Freedom

Mastery -> Power/control

Sympathy -> Care/nurturance

Self -> individualism

Other -> collectivism

 

When this satisfaction is not achieved over a period of time (which varies across times and individuals), the frustration will lead to a reversal. An example of this type of reversing is when, in the telic state, one does not feel they are making progress, cannot bring down their level of arousal, or comes to feel that what they are working toward is not worthwhile. A reversal to the paratelic state may take the form of abandoning the project in favor of something fun or distracting oneself with humor. Frustration-induced reversals may occur in the alloic sympathy state when one has heard quite enough of another’s complaining, in the negativistic state when one realizes that his/her efforts to change the system are not fruitful, or in the mastery state when one becomes exhausted with running on the treadmill.

 

The final factor in inducing reversals is known as satiation. This is hypothesized to be an internal mechanism in which a reversal is induced after a certain amount of time even when one is receiving the satisfactions of the state and in the absence of situational changes. Consider the student or retiree who, after a few hours, days, or weeks of leisure, longs for work. After a time, a loving caregiver who is content to nurture those in her household spontaneously craves some time for herself. In studies wherein participants can choose a telic-task or paratelic task for as much time as they like, will switch tasks without any seeming provocation. The process of reversing through satiation is often compared to the sleep-wake cycle, wherein the body simply recognizes that it has had enough of a certain natural and satisfying state, for reasons that are not entirely clear.

 

Those are the ways that reversals occur, and that’s plenty for this installment! Be on the lookout for #4, because it’s going to tie all of this into a very cool way of thinking about psychological wellness and therapy!

 

Eight Competing Values

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Eight Competing Values

This is the second installment of the Reversal Theory series. If you haven’t read the first one, check it out here. Enjoy!

OK, so we left off with the 4 pairs of states – serious/playful (also called telic/paratelic), conforming/rebellious, mastery/sympathy, and self/other (also called autic/alloic). 

Each state has a core motivational value, a range of emotions, and certain actions typically associated with it. The core value in the serious (or telic) state is achievement. When one is in the telic state and this value is being satisfied by reaching or making progress towards one’s goals, positive emotions emerge such as relief that a goal has been met or a sense of accomplishment. When this value is frustrated by a lack of progress, more negative feelings like anxiety or a sense of being overwhelmed are often present. Actions that are common to the telic state are planning, assessing risks, thinking strategically, and working diligently. Some common examples of being in the telic state might be working feverishly on a project to make a deadline, studying for an upcoming exam, or decorating the house to make it presentable for the imminent arrival of one’s in-laws.

The core value in the paratelic state is enjoyment. When one is in the paratelic state and taking pleasure in his/her current activity, excitement, fascination, and interest are common feelings. When pleasure in the current activity is thwarted, however, feelings of boredom or restlessness often emerge. Common contributions made in the paratelic state are enthusiasm, openness to new experiences, spontaneity, and creativity. Examples of being in the paratelic state include walking leisurely enjoying a sunset, working on an interesting puzzle in one’s free time, or luxuriating in the evening meal. It is important to note that it is not the activity that determines one’s state, however. One can be walking “leisurely” at sunset in order to attain the goal of pleasing their partner, or be frustrated at the leisurely pace because he/she is focused on getting home to work on a project. Likewise, in the previous example, decorating the house may be so enjoyable that the arrival of one’s in-laws may slip into the back of one’s mind.

The core motivational value of the conformist state is fitting in. This can also be expressed as the desire to do the right thing at the right time, or to do what is typically done. In the conformist state, it is a pleasant experience when one conforms and an unpleasant experience when one is not conforming. Pleasant emotions that may be experienced in the conformist state are a sense of belonging and comfort that one is doing right; unpleasant emotions may include embarrassment from not conforming or guilt from not meeting expectations. Further, actions consistent with the conforming state might be following procedures, adhering to ethics, and acting predictably. Examples of being in the conformist state may be taking pleasure in a game precisely because the rules are being followed, feeling satisfied that you “belong” in a group of coworkers, or enjoying the ceremony that marks a traditional wedding, graduation, or spiritual ritual.

In contrast, the core value of the negativistic or rebellious state is freedom. In the rebellious state, pleasure is derived by acting in way that one perceives is in opposition to external pressures or rules. Pleasant emotions experienced in the rebellious state can include independence and personal freedom, whereas unpleasant emotions may include frustration or anger at our restrictions or perceived unfairness. Actions consistent with the negativistic state may be challenging authority, behaving critically, or showing a desire for change. The rebellious state may be manifested as defiance or (despite its name) mischievousness or simply unconventionality. Enthusiastically protesting against current legislation, purposefully acting out in a residential group home, or even “thinking outside the box” at a business meeting could be examples of being in the negativistic state. Note that the same behavior may be performed in different states, based on different motivations; smoking with school friends could be enjoyed because it is not allowed, or it could be enjoyed because it allows one to fit in with the crowd.

The primary values in the mastery state are control and power. In a social interaction, this might mean desiring to have the upper hand; in a competition, this might mean being focused on winning. One could be in the mastery state with a pet, when training it; one could be in the mastery state with a piece of machinery or sports equipment, when learning to operate it. Positive emotions felt in the mastery state include pride and accomplishment and negative emotions typically center on humiliation or disappointment. In the mastery state, positive qualities that may be displayed are confidence, determination, and leadership.

The primary values in the sympathy state are caring and affection. Most often, the sympathy state has to do with people or living things. One could be in the sympathy state with a colleague when listening to their troubles or with a partner while sharing a casual Saturday afternoon picnic. One could certainly be sympathetic with a pet, lavishing it with attention. In the sympathy state, positive feelings typically include loving and feeling loved; bad feelings are those that go along with feeling unloved, such as rejection. In the sympathy state, positive attributes that one may display center around cooperation, emotional support, sensitivity, and relationship.

In the autic state, one’s primary concern is for oneself, including taking responsibility for one’s actions as well as taking care to get one’s needs and desires met. Working out at the gym to see to one’s health (self-mastery) or asking a loved one to run an errand on one’s behalf (self-sympathy) are examples of being in the autic state.  The core motivational value in the autic state is individualism, or doing the best one can for oneself. Satisfaction at doing something well or appreciation of self may be good feelings experienced in the autic state; negative feelings such as resentment or loneliness may result if one remains in the autic state too long and thus becomes isolated from others. Common actions in the autic state include attention seeking, performing to the best of one’s ability, setting and meeting personal goals, and keeping a balance between work and personal life.

In the alloic state, one’s concern is for meeting the needs or desires of others. When one tidies up the house because their partner prefers it that way, this is an example of the alloic state (other-sympathy). So is helping or coaching someone else for their growth or improvement (other-mastery). The “other” in the alloic state may be an actual other, such as a friend or child. However, the “other” may also be a group or team to which one belongs, in which case it is referred to as the extended self. The other may also be someone or a group that one identifies with, such as a hero in a movie or a favorite sports team; in this case, the other is known as the surrogate self. The basic motive in the alloic state is collectivism, caring for others or for a group more than the self as an individual. Good feelings that come from helping others or seeing others succeed are a part of the alloic state, as are the bad feelings that come from letting others down or seeing others hurting. Frequently, being a good teammate, helping, encouraging, mentoring, and giving are behaviors the alloic state might produce.

 

 

OK, good! In the next “episode,” we’ll discuss how we shift between these different states! 

 

More like dancers than statues

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More like Dancers than Statues 

(Introduction to Reversal Theory)

We are more like dancers than statues.

I’d like to spend a few minutes introducing you to a cool little theory that I bet you’re not familiar with. It’s called Reversal Theory and (if you’ll pardon the pun), it’s might just turn things upside down for you.

Let’s start with this – think about the theories of personality you’re most familiar with. Probably Big 5 comes to mind? Maybe Myers-Briggs? Bonus points if Allport or Eysenck popped into your mind first. Here’s the thing – most theories of personality are trait theories. They’re based on how we are, and how we stay the same. They tell us who we are, across time and situations.

Now answer this question: Do you feel like an INFP all day, every day? Aren’t there times when you’re more or less agreeable, more or less open to new experience? (And yes, while all of those theories account for slow, incremental change across the lifespan, that’s not what I mean.) I mean sometimes don’t you feel disagreeable in the morning, and more agreeable after coffee? Don’t you sometimes feel conscientious when you start working on a project and then markedly not conscientious as you slog through it for 5 hours? Don’t you sometimes feel extroverted at the beginning of a party, but just feel yourself retreating to introversion over the course of the evening? This is the aim of Reversal Theory – to give us a structure for thinking about how we are different across time and situations, rather than the same. (Don’t fret! It doesn’t do anything to diminish trait theory – all of that still counts!) 

To begin, I need you to imagine a bank of 4 light switches.

Now, I don’t want blow your mind too much right now, but in Reversal Theory, we’re not going to be thinking about traits on a continuum. We’re going to be thinking about 4 pairs of states, and each of them flips off or on like a lightswitch. (No, not like a dimmer-switch. I know the continuum is our best friend in therapy, but hang in here with me. Just wait until the end.)

Here they are:

Ok, let’s visit these one by one.

Serious-Playful

You don’t get to be serious and playful at the same time. Wen you’re in the serious state, you’re goal-oriented and future-focused. You’re focused on achieving something important and maybe on the consequences of not getting things done. When you’re driving to work for an 8am meeting with your boss to give an update on the progress of your latest project, chances are you’re in the serious state. But when it’s sunny, breezy, and 75 degrees on a Saturday afternoon, and you don’t have to rush anywhere (and also that favorite song of yours from your junior year in high school comes on the radio) – you’re probably in the playful state. In the playful state, you’re in the moment and focused mostly on enjoyment.

Conforming-Rebellious

When you’re in the conforming state, you’re focused on the value of fitting in, doing what’s right, meeting expectations. Lots of people are in the conforming state at school, work, or church. Teens are often in the conforming state, even when it doesn’t seem like it to parents (e.g., smoking to “be cool” or drinking to “fit in,” even though parents might call that rebellion!). When you’re in the rebellious state, your primary motivation is freedom, or individuality. When you spend Saturday doing whatever you want to do, or when you protest an injustice on your own behalf, or when you get a purple streak in your hair, even though your mother, husband, and coworkers might be scandalized, you’re probably in the rebellious state.

Mastery-Sympathy

In the mastery state, you’re primarily concerned with things like doing better, having control, and making progress. In the sympathy state, you’re mostly concerned with taking it easy, being gentle, love and nurturing. Chance are, if you’re at the gym, you either are in the mastery state or you’d certainly like to be. If you sometimes go to the gym for the “princess package” (a gentle swim, then the whirlpool, then the sauna, and end it with a smoothie), you’re probably in the sympathy state.  

Self-Other

The self and other states are probably what you think they are – being focused on you or being focused on someone else. These combine really naturally with the mastery and sympathy states. You might be exercising control and power over self (like when you’re at the gym), or you might be exercising control and power over someone else. For example, you might be bargaining down a salesperson for the best price and you definitely want to “come out on top” or you might really investing in beating your last high score in DoodleJump. That’s self-mastery. But what if you’re tutoring a high school student and really encouraging and empowering them to have control and mastery over themselves and their schoolwork? Any time you function as a teacher, coach, or mentor – you’re probably in the other mastery state, focused on power, control, and mastery…but for someone else. And sympathy works the same way. When you want to eat ice cream to soothe your jangled nerves, take yourself out on a date, choose to watch Netflix instead of push yourself to that deadline, you’re in the self-sympathy states. When you want to give that kind of care, love, and lenience to someone else – helping a friend in need, letting your partner sleep in – you’re in the other-sympathy states. 

Now, for each of these states, you are in one or the other of each pair at any given time. You might be more aware of one or two of them, but you’re in all four. And if you combine the states you’re in with the situation you’re in or what you’re doing, you get different and interesting results. So, you may be writing progress notes and be in the SERIOUS-conforming-self-mastery states. If you are, you’re probably killing it, getting work done, feeling great about your progress. But, if you’re in the playful-REBELLIOUS-self-sympathy state trying to work on your progress notes, I bet you’re not making any progress at all. I bet you’re sitting there, miserable, eking out a sentence at a time, wishing you were done, desperate for a massage or a margarita. See, we’re not always in the optimal states for whatever we’re doing at the moment.

OK, that’s as far as I’d like to bring you for right now. I want to give you a teaser…while you wait for the next post on this, think about what states your clients are in while they’re in session with you. Think about what states they might be in when they argue with their partners, when they’re disciplining their kids, sitting in their school desks, trying to resist peer pressure, or captivated by worried thoughts.

(If you are already in love, and don’t want to wait for the next post, buy this book.)

Comment below if you have thoughts or questions!