should, EllisTangents

Sometimes, Precision Matters

There are some language specifics that we’re pretty attentive to in therapy, like “always” and “never” – we catch those pretty regularly. But sometimes, there’s a big difference inside a small difference in language, and therapy is a place where we should really be mindful of some of those, too:

An “excuse” and an “explanation” are the same thing, except that an excuse says “and that makes it ok” at the end.
“Can’t” implies that you are unable (dismisses all internal locus of control). “Won’t” implies that you are unwilling (dismisses all external locus of control). “Don’t” implies neither and leaves the topic open for lots of curiosity. “Haven’t” is similar to don’t, but with even more future optimism.
“Feel” and “Feel like” – unless an analogy is coming next (e,g., I feel the first bird awake on a spring morning, I feel like a bull in pen that’s too small), “feel like” is pretty much always follow by a thought, not a feeling!
The difference between “escape” and “self care” is whether you’re avoiding stressors or doing proactive coping.
When talking about the past, I “should have” (as in I should have known, I should have acted differently) is usually more accurately stated as “I wish I had”

Comment below: What other small language changes have made a big difference in your practice?

Words of Regret

Sometimes, a small change in words can make a world of difference!

I know we talk about the word “Should” in therapy a lot, especially in the Albert Ellis kind of way – “shoulding all over yourself.” But there’s this one specific instance where clients seem to use “should” in a profoundly destructive and usually inaccurate way. When they regret something they have done, or haven’t done, or the way some situation went, they say:

“I should have said things differently.
“I should have acted more quickly.
“I should have been a better partner/parent/friend.

It turns out that most of the time, clients actually did the best they could with the information and resources that they had at the time. So, it’s a bit of a logical fallacy to say they should have acted differently (and certainly some other cognitive distortions in the way they imagine the difference it might have made). I have also found, though, that when they are expressing this deep, sometimes grief-filled, regret… they’re no really in the mood to talk about how unrealistic they’re being. So, sometimes I ask them to just make a tiny language change, or sometimes I just make it when I reflect it back:

“You wish you had said things differently.
“You wish you had acted more quickly.
“You wish you had been a better partner/parent/friend.

There are other words that could fit, too, but I like wish because it can be modified in terms of intensity pretty easily. “It’s the most desperate wish of your heart…” “You deeply wish that…”

We’ll get around to talking about the specifics and the reality and all that, of course. (Side note: these shoulds/wishes are almost always much too vague, precisely because the exact right action that would have brought about the desired outcome is not knowable now, just as it was not knowable then!) In that moment, though, removing or lessening the burden of unnecessary guilt can be as simple as using language with intention.

Comment below: When have you found that small language changes have made big impacts for clients?