stupid, EllisTangents

They might be an alien…

If you haven’t read the Crazy, Stupid, Awful blog, go ahead and do that first.

. . . . . .

For fun, to help a couple who has a deeply difficult time understanding the other’s internal logic, I gave them an assignment to watch a sci-fi or fantasy movie for a date night, or even a family movie night. I requested that it be something neither of them had seen, and that they let me know what it was, so that I could make sure I watched it before we met again.

I suppose this could work with any kind of movie, but I thought the extra distance element might help.

So, when we got back together, we spent several minutes talking about what makes sense in the movie that would NOT make sense in Real Life? And then taking it to the character level (which is why it might work with any kind of movie). When this heroine does this amazing thing at the end of the movie – does it make sense? (Yes, if the movie’s any good.) And would it make sense if any other character did that amazing thing at the end? (No, if the movie’s any good.)

And then we go through what we learn (that is, what the movie writers, directors, and editors teach us) about each character so that their behavior makes sense. In a well-done story of any kind, the writer has to give you certain pieces of information so that the characters’ actions are understandable. And because writers try to give readers/watchers at least a few different main characters (with different background, motivations, etc.), most stories will work for this exercise.

Now, if your partner is an alien, you need them to teach you what things are like “on their planet” or “with their species.” You need them to teach you, as if they are the writer/director/editor of a movie about them, what you need to know about their biology/neurology/history/experiences/culture in order to understand why they – as a character in this story – do not behave in the same way you do. And you need to simultaneously realize – YOU are not the earthling. You are not the holder of all reality, and that’s where the sci-fi/fantasy thing helps more, I think.

I don’t think this is specifically a lot different than any kind of empathy or phenomenological understanding or perspective taking work, but it was helpful with these clients who really struggle. And now they have a language to say to each other, “That’s not really how it works with my species” or “How is that different on your planet?” that is giving them a little more space to talk about their differences in a friendly way.

And they had a fun date night. 🙂

Comment below: How do you help clients who really struggle with this?!

Crazy, Stupid, or Awful?!

The foundation of couples’ work is often training them to listen. And of course, listening is actually incredibly difficult and relatively complex. For example, it involves all those difficult skills like self-soothing, holding difficult emotions, making space for the other person, accurate empathy, maximizing the use of working memory, tolerance for ambiguity, etc. And that seems overwhelming even here on this therapy blog, and it’s certainly overwhelming in session. But here’s an idea I sometimes put out in session when things start spiraling:

You aren’t crazy, stupid, or awful and you probably didn’t marry someone who is crazy, stupid, or awful. So, there might be a misunderstanding in here somewhere. Let’s find it, shall we?

Clients are more than likely to agree with the idea that they themselves are not crazy, stupid, or awful (and it’s nice to validate them first, before going on to “defend” their partner). They also usually aren’t willing to say in therapy that their partner is one of those things. They at least don’t want to be married to (or in a relationship with) someone who is crazy, stupid, or awful.

This pause on our end often lets them pause on their end and create a little bit of space to hear their partner’s content differently. Yay!

Occasionally, they will say their partner is crazy, stupid, or awful. Ok, no problem – now we know we’re in a contempt-place (in the Gottman way), and we can change gears to a process-rather-than-content level.

Comment below: How do get couples to pause and refocus in session? Also, “QuotesFromSession” is a new tag – do you have any go-to session quotes that you often find useful?