Tag: WatchYourLanguage

Overreacting

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Overreacting

So, what if I started with something a little provocative? (What’s new, Ellis?) But really, I have a thought that…

…there is no such thing as overreaction.

What’s your reaction to THAT? 🙂

What I mean when I say this, or how I follow it up with clients, is that if you think you (or your partner) are “overreacting,” let me suggest that you are simply not aware of what you are REACTING TO. 

Really, this is just simply CBT. There’s something that happens, or a stimulus of some kind. There is a perception of that stimulus and likely a thought about that stimulus, and there’s an emotional reaction to that thought/perception (not to the stimulus, precisely). And maybe that emotional reaction is “out of proportion” to the stimulus (or at least as far you’re concerned, your partner is overreacting to the stimulus – it’s just spilled milk, it’s just being a little late, he’s just a friend). And maybe that emotional reaction is even “out of proportion” to the thought that you are aware of thinking about it. 

But the emotional tone and intensity can be the information that prompts us to look deeper…

  • perception of stimulus (milk, the clock, the text message with heart eyes)
  • thought (spilled milk is inconvenient, my boss might see me come in late and fire me, that’s a weird emoji for a friend to use)
  • schema (being inconvenience is intolerable and shouldn’t happen to me, I have to overperform people will find out I’m an imposter, I am always at risk for losing my partner)
  • core belief (I won’t ever by happy or comfortable, I am not good enough, I will end up alone)

If you’re really reacting to the fear of dying alone, that’s a BIG DAMN STIMULUS and the emotional reaction is perfectly reasonable. I’ve had clients really do well with this idea, and feel both quite validated in their own experience as well opening a door to be more curious (and less quickly and globally judgmental) about their partner’s experience. 

Comment below: What are some of the ways you talk to clients about emotions, emotion regulation, and so forth? 

 

 

 

 

What’s Not Gaslighting?

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What’s NOT gaslighting? 

I’m a little bit alarmed with how this word is so quickly changing in meaning. And especially because we only have one word for gaslighting â€“ to cause a person to doubt his/her sanity through the use of psychological manipulation. (You’ve heard of the play for which the term is named?) So, it’s using your power to actually change the other person’s ability to experience the world with reality, and then to lie to them about reality so that they question their own ability to function in the world.  

Here are some examples of gaslighting proper: 

For example, if your partner secretly took money out of your account, and then you overdrew it not knowing the money was gone, and they punished you for not managing your money well, and you pleaded with them saying that you were sure the money was there, and then they lied and blamed you, saying if you didn’t do it then your wicked mother/corrupt employer/secret lover/etc. must have taken the money, that would be gaslighting.  

If you drugged your partner’s dinner, and then you went to a kickboxing lesson, and got a bunch of bruises, then told your partner the next day “Look what you’ve done!” and your partner denied it, and you told your partner that they did it in a manic, alcoholic rage and just didn’t remember, and pointed to the empty bottles you hid in the trash, that would be gaslighting. 

(Granted, they’re a little extreme, but that can be helpful for clarity’s sake in the definitional stage.)  

But we have lots of words for the other things that gaslighting is beginning to be used for, like lying, manipulation, misuse of power, dysfunctional communication, etc. So, in the interest of reserving the utility of the vocabulary for as long as possible, let’s talk about what gaslighting is NOT.  

 

  • When the other person actually perceived, experienced, or remembered something differently than you did 
    • Given the outrageous amount of research literature on these topics, along with everyone’s actual experience of the world, it puzzles me so much that we all STILL think that we perceive the world “correctly,” that our experiences are “the valid ones,” and that we remember things with ANY degree of “accuracy.” Because we don’t. Brains are not made to perceive the world accurately or to remember accurately – brains are made to predict the future, and they consciously process only a tiny fraction of what’s experienced, and that is always affected by their own history, their language, their biases, their mood at the time of the experience, and about a thousand other things. This is compounded when it comes to memory, because it’s not just the error in encoding reality accurately… but all the same issues come again when memory is retrieved, so the problem is at least doubled (and more than that if you’re remembering something more than once!) (Let me know in the comments if you want a post on the perception or memory literature.)  
    • So, most of the time, what’s called “gaslighting” has at least something to do with the fact that people are different, experience the world differently, remember the past differently, and are pretty sure they’re the ones who are right.  
  • When there is a misunderstanding or miscommunication 
    • As bad as we are at experiencing the world accurately and remembering it accurately, we’re worse at communicating it accurately to another person (or perceiving accurately what they intend to communicate). We lose almost all of the richness of an experience when it has to be boiled down into language, and then we almost all use language differently than everyone else. Oh, and all that stuff that gets in the way of accuracy when perceiving or remembering something gets in the way AGAIN when we listen, and not necessarily in a predictable way!  
    • Try this… imagine, REALLY imagine, in all the detail you can – your own bathroom. How it looks, smells, is configured. How it feels to be there, both physically and emotionally. Get a sense of the whole thing, including how it is different at different times of day or depending on your purpose there. Remember when it’s been steamy, and notice how the experience of reading the word “steamy” changed your memory of your bathroom in this exact moment, either bringing a new image or new emphasis to your steamy bathroom. And realize how much more likely you are to think of your bathroom as steamy next time you think of it. Paint it in your mind and let yourself see it like it’s in a movie and let yourself move through it like virtual reality and then fill in all the little details of how it  REALLY is. Now, with as much accuracy as you can… write down or say out loud everything you can about someone else’s bathroom. HA! Oh come on, try it! It’s hard enough when you’ve actually BEEN in someone else’s bathroom, but also try it with whatever you know that you’ve just been TOLD about someone else’s bathroom. If you can’t think of a bathroom you’ve talked about but not been in, call someone and ask them to describe their bathroom to you! Do it! It’s a really fun way to experience this difference between what we experience and how little of that we can communicate, and even more the lack of richness and accuracy we are limited to when hearing something from someone else! 
    • So, a lot of the time, what’s called “gaslighting” has a lot to do with how poorly we are able to communicate with each other about our internal and external experiences.  

I think those two bullets cover most of what comes up in therapy around “gaslighting,” but here are two more things that come up occasionally, that also are not gaslighting.  

  • When the other person is lying or manipulating and you know it 
    • If you KNOW the other person is lying, you have not been gaslit. Implicit in the concept of gaslighting is that the other person has enough power over you and your circumstances to convince you that you are the crazy one, and that they are trustworthy arbiters of reality. So, if you still have enough agency to know or even believe that they are lying or manipulating, then what they are doing (at most) is lying or manipulating, not gaslighting. 
    • That’s actually something that can be worked on in therapy, even if the first response is still denial!   
  • When you rely on the other person for reality testing and you trust them because they’re trustworthy  
    • This one comes up occasionally, and I actually like it. We are all relying on each other to do reality testing all the time. “Do you hear that sound?” “Oh yeah, it’s someone’s car alarm going off outside.” And things like that.  And it’s really good and useful. And it’s helpful when there’s more than one person to rely on. That’s another key to gaslighting – it’s really difficult to do if the target of the gaslighting isn’t completely isolated from other sources of potential information about the world.  
    • Sometimes, you might know you’re not great at a certain part of reality testing. For example, I’m really bad at remembering what I’ve said in the past. I rely on my husband a LOT for that. Is he always right? I’m sure he’s not. It’s just that he’s better at it than me! COULD he gaslight me if he wanted to, at least in that way? Oh yeah. But I don’t think he is…everything keeps turning out ok.

Here’s a potentially controversial thing to say (what’s new, Ellis!?)…  

Gaslighting, by definition, seems to include an intention on the part of the gaslighter. Can we compare it to sexual harassment? Sexual harassment has some clear behavioral definitions, but in any ambiguous situation, it is defined by the person who “feels harassed.” (There’s a topic for another day… is it possible to “feel verbed?”) Because the gaslighter has to change reality, because they have to “psychologically manipulate” – doesn’t that imply that they have to intend to gaslight someone?   

Can you “feel gaslit?” If you feel gaslit, does that mean you WERE? This is why I want to make sure we have a good variety of language around relational communication… Once a person feels gaslit, there’s no way for the other person to be part of the conversation anymore. If they were actually gaslighting, they’d be trying to explain how they weren’t. If they weren’t gaslighting, they’d be trying to explain how they weren’t.  It leaves no room for the other person’s experience, and then what? That’s a 100% power transfer to the person who feels gaslit. Maybe that’s what they want? But it doesn’t work in the therapy room, at least. 

Look, I’m usually a BIG proponent of using client’s the language. I’m a champion of the idea that it is the therapist’s job to mirror, tailor, and otherwise adapt their own presentation in order to build a comfortable and usable space for the client and facilitate empathy and connection! (Rather than this new notion of “authenticity” that seems to mean “do and say everything exactly the way it makes sense to you, and if other people don’t accommodate you, that’s their problem” – hmmm, maybe a rant on this in another post! Ha!) 

I also know that increasing the granularity and specificity of language helps improve cognitive flexibility and emotional recognition and regulation! So, I will absolutely offer new vocabulary to clients when it might be helpful and/or help them to clarify their vocabulary to increase their ability to communicate clearly both with others and inside themselves!  

 

Comment below: When has vocabulary shown up in your sessions as something important? In what ways? As always, especially comment if you disagree!  

 

 

 

 

Alfred Adler and Taylor Swift

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What do Alfred Adler and Taylor Swift have in common?

Shockingly, in this case, the answer might be…. relational wisdom?

Adler, describing the psychotherapy relationship says, “A tactless truth can never be the whole truth; it shows that our understanding was not sufficient.” 

And Swift, describing one of many terrible breakups calls her lover’s communications “casually cruel in the name of being honest.” 

I think – and this might be controversial, though I wish it wouldn’t be – that the culture has a thought brewing that authenticity means doing exactly what you want and saying exactly what you think without regard for the audience. But, you know what? It doesn’t really work. 

The clearest, most honest communication you can make with yourself still has to cross at least 2 barriers – the experience, history, filters, schemas, current nervous system functioning, etc. of the listener and everything that fills the space between you and the listener, which might contain the larger culture, personal history between you, effects of the time and location, and more. Without considering those factors, your ultra clear and honest communication is going to get all distorted. You can communicate MORE truth by taking the other person and the situation into account than by tapping into this new (problematic) kind of “authenticity.” 

 

Comments below: What do you think? Do you see this in therapy, especially with couples? But also in your communications with clients? Or not? If this feels controversial to you, talk about that, too! 

 

 

 

 

 

Productive Purposeful Pleasant

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Productive – Purposeful – Pleasant

After ending last week’s blog, I realized I haven’t ever posted about this little language-based motivation/behavioral activation technique that I sometimes use with clients. Probably because I really don’t like it when people make (or especially seem to force) alliteration or acronyms, and I don’t want you to think I did that! Haha! This actually just popped up in a session one day, fully formed (fully P’d!) and it has been useful several times. 

This little technique seems to be sometimes beneficial with clients who have mild/moderate depression, the kind of anxiety that keeps them sort of paralyzed (not catatonically paralyzed! Just keeps them from moving forward effectively), and some who deal with procrastination. (Although straight mindfulness is good for all of these, too, especially procrastination.) 

The technique is really simple – it just involves (Step 1) taking the things on the client’s to-do list (whether that is take a shower and check the mail in the case of depression or the long list of household chores or whatever), and dividing them into these categories, or labelling them… is the task Productive, Purposeful, or Pleasant? (or some combo?)

*Wouldn’t it be nice to have lots of things on the list that are all three?!*

Step 2: Just take anything else off the list! What’s it doing on there, anyway?! This can sometimes bring a sense of relief and permission to clients who need it. 

Step 3: Make sure there are items in every category, especially the pleasant category! (This is a kind of sneaky way to measure anhedonia and sometimes to figure out distress tolerance ideas!) 

Step 4: Invite clients, in session if it’s possible or as homework, to choose items from anywhere on the list.

I often start with Productive… is there anything on there that they have the motivation/energy/etc. to do right now? If they can, they often feel a sense of accomplishment and also relief from “checking something off the list.” It’s ok to make use of session time to get this started! Do they need to make a dr’s appointment – just have them call, right now! Do they need to update their credit card information on their bill pay? OK, do it! 

If not, how about something purposeful (meaning tied to values, even if it doesn’t “get things done”)? Is there a value of relationships or being a kind person – choose text a friend from the list (add it right in the moment if it comes up!) Is there a religious/spiritual value – choose read a scripture verse. Is there a value of being a good parent – write a sticky note for your kid and put it in their room. Is there a value on making progress in therapy? Listen to your affirmations, read a few pages in the homework book, etc. Make sure that plenty of these are easy, low energy, low cost options. (This is a kind of sneaky way to get to identification of values, as well, which can be helpful in most cases.)

Nothing doing there, either? Well, no problem! Because you have a list of activities that are for nothing but pleasure! Encourage clients that choosing something from the pleasure list is OK! (There might be a little bit of cognitive work to do here, about being “allowed” to do something for pleasure when there are things on the productive list. And one of these days I need to do a post on how “laziness” is just a really good energy management strategy! HA!) But remember – doing something is better than doing nothing, and often increases motivation and productivity in the long run. Even if the pleasant thing is doing “nothing,” like taking a nap, sitting quietly, etc., doing it mindfully is a positive step! 

Comment below: What do you do to help clients with behavioral activation? 

 

 

 

 

Dingbat & Darling

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Dingbat & Darling

 

Let’s get real about self talk for a minute. Whether or not you’re into the IFS craze, we almost all at least treat ourselves as if there are multiple little versions of us inside. And pretty much everyone has a readily accessible part that will berate and punish us for any perceived mistake. (Critical parent, anyone?) And they NAME CALL. Because that inner critic often has the vocabulary of a 9th grade bully, some of that name calling is really awful. In fact, I won’t even write some of the terms my inner critic has at the ready!

I don’t share my personal experiences that often, but I think it’s worthwhile here. So, being the good little girl that I sometimes have inside, I did my self compassion work and changed some of my internal language. I gave myself a name for that sweet little kid who sometimes needs nurturing, teaching, or encouragement – she’s “Darling.” But let’s face it – there’s still a part in there that does dumb stuff, and needs something a little more corrective – and in my effort to be self compassionate, I renamed her from Those Awful Things I Won’t List to “Dingbat.” Maybe that’s not the ultimate perfection of internal parenting, but it’s a heck of a lot better. And I can interact with Dingbat in a much sweeter, bemused kind of way. It makes a big difference!

And I don’t think that we need to pretend that everything gets completely smoothed over inside, even with good therapy work. And honestly, I think there’s a space for a critical parent in there, too. But she doesn’t have to be a Raging B*tch. (Oops! did that come out?!)

Comment below: What is some of the really harmful inner language you’ve heard clients use? And how have you helped them turn it around into something that keeps the purpose without keeping the vitriol?

 

Side note: Image above is of an actual “dingbat,” which is apparently decoration on a page to make bland text more inviting! ha! 

 

 

 

 

Book Announcement

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So… I did a thing…

Here’s a book! I wrote it. 

ROUTLEDGE published it, and the level of fanciness I feel saying that is not measurable. 

It’s a lot like this blog, only you can get it in paper and you have to pay for it. Oh, and it has no pictures. 🙂

Actually, it’s much more comprehensive and better structured than the blog, though the writing style is a lot the same and the idea is the same – let’s BE BETTER THERAPISTS. Let’s use theory and research and our colleagues to help us do that. 

Therapists, in general, I think will really like it and get a lot out of it. So will advanced practicum students and interns. 

At any rate, I’m supposed to tell important people. So, there you go! 

It is available at Routledge and through Amazon! Oh, and if you go to the new Book page on the blog, there’s a coupon code! 

 

 

Obviously…

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Obviously… (the false consensus effect)

This is a pretty awful word. 

The false consensus effect is a cognitive bias – it’s our tendency to see our own choices and judgments as  common and appropriate to existing circumstances. And that means, almost all the time, that we think other people really ought to be thinking, perceiving, believing, valuing, and choosing the same way that we are … obviously. 

Because we’re therapists, our job is to accept and understand the different ways that other people are thinking, perceiving, believing, valuing, and choosing. (And we don’t do this perfectly, by any stretch!)

But for a lot of people, if you aren’t thinking what’s obvious to them, you’re obviously crazy, stupid, or awful. 🙂

So, where are the places we can eliminate this word, as a way of beginning to unchain ourselves from this bias? 

 

  • We can stop using it in session, for a start. When is there a time that this word is beneficial in session? I’m guessing pretty much never. 
  • We can teach this in session, to clients. It comes up a lot in couples’ work, especially. 
  • We can work to take it out of our conversations in our non-work lives, too. 
  • And we can watch for sneaky synonyms like “of course!” 

 

 

Comment below: Now you’ll be catching yourself using this word! Post a comment about your situation! (Including if you think there ARE useful times to use it!)

 

Words of Regret

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Words of Regret

Sometimes, a small change in words can make a world of difference! 

 

I know we talk about the word “Should” in therapy a lot, especially in the Albert Ellis kind of way – “shoulding all over yourself.” But there’s this one specific instance where clients seem to use “should” in a profoundly destructive and usually inaccurate way. When they regret something they have done, or haven’t done, or the way some situation went, they say: 

  • “I should have said things differently.
  • “I should have acted more quickly. 
  • “I should have been a better partner/parent/friend.

It turns out that most of the time, clients actually did the best they could with the information and resources that they had at the time. So, it’s a bit of a logical fallacy to say they should have acted differently (and certainly some other cognitive distortions in the way they imagine the difference it might have made). I have also found, though, that when they are expressing this deep, sometimes grief-filled, regret… they’re no really in the mood to talk about how unrealistic they’re being. So, sometimes I ask them to just make a tiny language change, or sometimes I just make it when I reflect it back:

  • “You wish you had said things differently.
  • “You wish you had acted more quickly. 
  • “You wish you had been a better partner/parent/friend. 

There are other words that could fit, too, but I like wish because it can be modified in terms of intensity pretty easily. “It’s the most desperate wish of your heart…” “You deeply wish that…” 

We’ll get around to talking about the specifics and the reality and all that, of course. (Side note: these shoulds/wishes are almost always much too vague, precisely because the exact right action that would have brought about the desired outcome is not knowable now, just as it was not knowable then!) In that moment, though, removing or lessening the burden of unnecessary guilt can be as simple as using language with intention. 

Comment below: When have you found that small language changes have made big impacts for clients? 

 

 

 

 

Affirmations

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Affirmations

I won’t date myself by referencing the Saturday Night Live skit… well, what the hell, sure I will. It’s too classic. “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And doggone it, people like me.” Ah, thanks, Stuart Smalley.

Let’s talk about positive affirmations, and how to do them well.

    • Make them short and punchy. Your inner critic tends to have the vocabulary of a 6th grade bully, if you’re lucky. Your inner yoda/inner therapist/inner big sister/etc. can’t compete with that neurologically if it takes you a paragraph to say something meaningful and kind about yourself.
    • Make them accurate and defensible. No rainbows, ponies, or bullshit. Do the work of figuring out what the good things about you actually are. Make sure you have evidence, even though you won’t go through it every time (see #1). Along these same lines, don’t predict the future. Definitely replace the pop-psyc “affirmations” like “Everything will work out for me” and “I am a winner”!
    • Include your agency. There are many things you can do that you don’t do all the time. This is really helpful when you feel as though you’ve run out of the “I am ________” variety. Consider things like “I can make healthy choices” or “I’m able to hear my inner wisdom when I give myself the chance.”
    • Format them positively. This one you probably know – an affirmation should contain only positive language. This means that “I am attractive” works better than “I’m not ugly.” We want to avoid “lighting up” the parts of the brain that compete with the messaging we want to strengthen. “I’m not ugly” lights up the “ugly” networks, whether we want it to or not. So be careful with phrases like “I’m not…” or “I won’t…” or “I don’t have to…” or “I will stop…” etc. (While you’re at it, avoid language like “should” and “ought”!)
    • Check your language. Affirmations work best when they are something that becomes automatic and unconscious with exposure. So, it’s important to treat your language as carefully as hypnotic language – watch out for metaphors, descriptors, and turns of phrase that your unconscious mind may process concretely rather than abstractly (“I am a diamond; it’s time for me to shine” may bring up different associations subconsciously like hardness and impenetrability), or partially based on phrasing (“It’s easy for me to tune out the negative” can become “It’s easy for me to tune out”). This also mean things like not using the word “try” (because it implies failure at the concrete level) and words with more than one meaning like “stunning” or “pretty”. Also, be mindful of homonyms (word that sound the same) – like “a lot” (allot), peace (piece), know (no), etc. (Or even nearly the same, especially if you’re recording affirmations for a client – be mindful of your vocal differences!)

 

Bonus idea: When you’re recording the affirmations for clients, say each one out loud, and then pace yourself by saying it again in your head before you move on to the next one – this gives them time to repeat each one silently or aloud,  in their own voice.    

Comment below: Do you have any great examples of your favorite affirmations to share?