Slowing Way Down
I really like having couples for double-length sessions, at least 90 minutes. There’s just SO much work to do! And how often does that dream come true? Almost never. Which is one of the reasons I use this technique, even though – I warn you! – it’s going to seem counter-intuitive.
Couples are infinitely complex and unique…except in the beginning. Because in the beginning, they all have some of the same problems. In one of those problems is a basic difficulty with saying what they mean and hearing the other person. I’m sure you had the all too common experience, to; it starts out reasonable, then there speaking over each other, saying the same things over and over, getting louder and louder. When that happens, I quietly stand up, go over to my box of supplies, and pull out a pack of index cards. Then I sit quietly, and wait for their quite confusion.
Next I hand them each one index card and a pen.
Rules are pretty simple: First, take your time – because you get the front of this one index card to save the most important things that you want your partner to hear. (It’s surprising how much event held by the size of fonts they write with during this exercise!) After you’re both done, switch cards. Read the card as many times as you need to. Quietly; no speaking. As best you can, write what your partner told you in your own words on the back. After you’re both done, switch cards.
The next step depends on your intention in using the exercise. You might take both cards, read them both and help them make corrections on their interpretations of what the other person said. You might have each of them read their partner’s interpretation, and then use a new index card to write their initial statement more clearly. If they’ve done well, and the point was mostly just to cool the temperature in the room down a little bit, you might invite them to speak again about what they’ve just written (I use a random number generator to decide who goes first).
Yes, this takes basically an entire 50 minute session. For one note card. And you know what? They usually have communicated more during that session that may have in any session before we used the technique.
Bonus: this is a relatively easy task to then assign for homework!
Comment below: What pitfalls can you imagine using this task with a couple you have now? How would you handle them?